A Master at Forgiving

Last night, I blew it. I mean I blew up, lashed out, and totally shattered my normally passive persona. Yes, it happens on occasion. Not frequently, but certainly more often than I'd like.

I protested, with a capital "P", when my husband changed the TV channel from a show I was watching. Keep in mind that he gets to pick what to watch 90% of the time. Only one or two shows a week interest me enough to watch, so I really had a royal outburst when he did it to me once again.

After screaming my disgust with him, I stomped to the bedroom, closed the door pretty forcefully, and let myself pout and stew for a few minutes.

When I felt calmer and more in control and knew that God had already forgiven me, I had to find out if my loving husband would accept my apology too. At first, it didn't appear he had. This was very disappointing. But after my second stab at an apology, he had finally gotten over it, and we were back on good terms.

What a lesson for me to never harbor negative, unloving thoughts and to forgive unconditionally. If God is quick to forgive, how dare we wallow in our self-pity and hurt pride and not forgive someone. The only way to repair our relationships with anyone is to forgive, even before they ask for it, and even when they don't. (That's how Jesus forgave when He was up on the cross.)

That short period of time when I felt unforgiven was horrible. Hopefully this experience makes me even more diligent about forgiving those who have injured me in any way. I must try to feel things from their perspective.

And there's no one I'd hate to neglect doing this for than my own husband. With his brain injury, he typically has outbursts almost daily. I've just had to get used to them.

He is almost always apologetic after his outbursts, when he can remember having them. I must be careful to immediately honor his attempts to reconcile, even when it happens multiple times a day.

I thank God every day for this life of a caregiver. The lessons never stop coming. I am determined to be a master at forgiving seventy times seven...or basically forever.

A Long Stretch

Last night, Dean struck me in the middle of the night. Yes, he's done it before--just stretched his arm over to see if I'm still in bed, but making contact with my nose instead. It's similar to what we do to each other verbally during the day.

We don't mean it. It just happens. And like after our nocturnal mishap, it doesn't take long to forgive each other and move on. Caregiving is fraught with episodes of close verbal contact, that often end up as the "crash and clash" variety.

This is one time Dean's short term memory does us both good though. I need to apologize right away before he forgets the experience. And he needs to apologize right away for the same reason. It sure works for us.

Quick repentance and forgiveness is one lesson the Lord has taught me through this caregiving journey. Life is too short for grudges, guilt, and remorse. It's best to come clean as soon as possible. Even when you get slugged in the face in the middle of the night.

Toddler Behavior

This morning Dean was a bit of a "behavior problem child" (my new term for it, after observing the actions of my just-turned-three granddaughter). He flared up, just like a toddler would, when at one point he didn't get his way about something, and then resorted to pushing my buttons repeatedly in childish retaliation.

In my earlier days of parenthood, I probably wouldn't have been so patient. But I guess I'm just more mature now and have had LOTS of patience practice, so I was able to just ignore his silly antics. (Just in case you're wondering, he kept rolling his window all the way down while we were on the interstate, hoping I'd complain about all the hot air blowing on us.)

He apologized for it later in the day, for which I am fortunate. Not all caregivers are blessed with someone still capable of heartfelt remorse. It's nice to have his spoken requests for forgiveness, along with his often-expressed words of love. It makes caregiving so much more bearable.

I can understand God's patience a little better through this. He keeps His merciful forgiveness available to all who simply ask for it. And besides, He's had eons of patience practice under His belt. It pleasures Him to receive our repentance, but I'm sure it also pains Him immensely when we fail to reciprocate His love by neglecting to express our love and praise to Him for all He's done.

I still made him a special Fourth of July meal. Feeding him is my number one way to keep him happy and well-behaved!

A Clean Heart

I hate it when I let too many meals pass without doing the dishes. This afternoon I looked at the huge piles of dirty dishes in both sinks, and knew I'd have to tackle them right away, so I could enjoy the women's dinner at church tonight without visions of a dirty kitchen plaguing me the whole evening.

While I was administering the cleaning touch to the dishes, I pondered how hard it was, doing a lot of dishes compared to doing them when there are just a few. Even though that means doing it more often. It's like another task most people don't like. Namely, asking forgiveness. Or even offering forgiveness.

Because the longer you wait to ask forgiveness, the harder it is to do. And likewise, the longer you wait to grant forgiveness, the harder it is to accomplish. Sometimes, I let the little hurts and annoyances that come with taking care of a man like mine just pile up too high. So I need to consciously be forgiving him a little at a time.

Fortunately as a reminder for me, Dean asks for forgiveness many times during the day. Does it count when he can't remember what I'm forgiving him for? You bet it does. I think it counts even more, because I know it's coming from his heart, and not just his mind. And it's easy to forgive when it's a heartfelt apology like his.

I like a clean kitchen, but I probably like a clean heart even more.

Filthy Rags

While Dean was occupied in the living room today, I sneaked off to the bedroom to arrange his clothes to wear for tomorrow. For years now, I've had to put his clothes in the hamper on the sly because he never thinks they're dirty enough.

As I was changing the suspenders on his jeans and transferring his pocket contents to the clean pair, I thought of how many times Jesus has probably taken care of me when I wasn't aware of it, when I didn't trust Him enough with my care, or when I thought I knew what was best for me when I really didn't.

Dean is so vocal about telling people what a good wife and caregiver I am. I need to do likewise and let as many as possible know what a wonderful Lord and Savior I have.

Jesus has changed my filthy rags to clean ones more times than I can count. But only because of our love for each other. My love for Jesus and Dean's love for me. You have to love and trust your caregiver.

Drug Dealing

I was in for a shock when I picked up one of Dean's medicines today from the pharmacy. I'm used to checking to see if they filled the right medicine and the right dosage, and am usually pleased with their attention to those details. But I never expected to have the wrong NAME on the bottle. In other words, to have someone else's medicine instead of Dean's!

They were extremely embarrassed when I called them about it when I got home. They checked the other person's bag and immediately saw their mistake. With all the many, many prescriptions I have had filled for Dean and I the last ten years, I suppose I can forgive them this one slip. Even if it was rather major. How can I do this, I asked myself today? I could have made a major stink and demanded some recourse from the pharmacist himself.

As a caregiver of a man with dementia though, I am in the business of forgiving multiple times daily. Nothing heroic about it. I've just had lots of practice. But I've seen other caregivers struggle with it. Even those who seemingly loved their spouse at one time find themselves unable to forgive and deal with the verbal abuse that spews out on a regular basis.

I know the difference has to be the Lord. Only He can forgive and provide us with the necessary love in our hearts to forgive, as He forgives. "Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors." The Lord expects us to forgive the way He does.

Whether it's for one big mistake over ten years or for dozens of little "boo-boos" throughout the day, only God can give us the ability to love enough to forgive the way He does. Thank you, Jesus.

Toddler Moments

Yesterday was a day of high motion and emotion. My husband, daughter and two granddaughters, and I went to church in the morning and to a friend's wedding and reception in the evening. And did I mention it was 200 miles to these events? We were gone from six in the morning till 1:30 a.m. that night. There were a couple of near meltdowns toward the end by Dean and one of the OTHER toddlers with us, but nothing major.

(In the meantime my nephew and son-in-law stayed home to install a toilet for us, which turned out to be a rather disgusting affair with several trips to the hardware store. I think they planned it that way to avoid the trip with us though--those cowards!)

Curiously enough, the biggest meltdown occurred today right here at home and the main characters were my daughter and I. Could it have been the raw nerves we were running on yesterday? I think that certainly played a part in the "blowup". When we are weak, Satan comes on strong! We should take instructions from Dean on how to have these "blowups" though. He never stays mad very long. Partly because he can't remember what he was mad about in the first place.

I, for one, have put it behind me, as much as I regret losing my sanity there for a minute. And I hope my daughter forgives me as well. I'm ready to let God's grace cover our ungraceful moments. Thank you, Lord, for having short-term memory and forgiving us so graciously every time we mess up. We're all "toddlers" at times after all, aren't we?

The Wings of Forgiveness

Joy to the world, happy holidays, and merry Christmas--bright and colorful lights to cheer us and chase the darkness away. But for many people, this time of year holds no cheer...

Whether it's a sagging or non-existent bank account, no job prospects, a terminal disease diagnosis, or a failing marriage, there are many present burdens that keep us from feeling the joy of the season. In the same vein, there are nightmares haunting us from the past--memories too painful to mention--that keep us enslaved and unable to experience the peace this season is supposed to bring.

There is only one thing untouched by tangible events--our future. And we have to pin our hopes on that element of time. The past is over, the present is all around us, but the future is yet to be lived. This is where Christ, the Christ of Christmas, can come to our rescue. This Christ can give us hope, peace, and yes, even joy. It comes on "angel wings" of forgiveness. When we are forgiven and are able to forgive others, true love will be acheived and all the rest will follow.