A Long Stretch

Last night, Dean struck me in the middle of the night. Yes, he's done it before--just stretched his arm over to see if I'm still in bed, but making contact with my nose instead. It's similar to what we do to each other verbally during the day.

We don't mean it. It just happens. And like after our nocturnal mishap, it doesn't take long to forgive each other and move on. Caregiving is fraught with episodes of close verbal contact, that often end up as the "crash and clash" variety.

This is one time Dean's short term memory does us both good though. I need to apologize right away before he forgets the experience. And he needs to apologize right away for the same reason. It sure works for us.

Quick repentance and forgiveness is one lesson the Lord has taught me through this caregiving journey. Life is too short for grudges, guilt, and remorse. It's best to come clean as soon as possible. Even when you get slugged in the face in the middle of the night.

Valentine's Day Sleepover Interruption

What a joyous Valentine's Day we had this weekend! Just like Christmas being about the children, we were blessed with more time with our two adorable granddaughters coming over for a "sleepover". I'm sure their parents didn't mind another "date-night" on their schedule as well.

We try to space these events every few months, mostly because it isn't easy for me to juggle the care of an active preschooler and a first grader, and a sometimes-immature, well alot-of-times, immature old man.

The last thing I told him before we went to sleep was to be sure and let the girls sleep (they prefer camping out on the living room floor) and not get them up for Sunday pancakes too soon. Dean has been mysteriously waking up in the wee hours of the morning a lot, and I was hoping for once he would stay in bed and not pursue his word-search puzzles and solitaire out on the dining room table--just a stone's throw from where they'd be sleeping.

After finally getting them to sleep by ten o'clock, I was not pleased to wake up at about four and hear three voices coming from the other end of the house. Dean had been up since three, he said, and decided it was time for pancakes. The kitchen sounds and smells must have wakened the girls, who had declined the pancake invitation, saying they'd rather wait for grandma.

I tried to remain calm, thankful for the few hours of sleep I had just had, but doubtful if any more were coming. I hurried the girls into my big bed to encourage them back to sleep, and gave strict orders to the man in my life to sleep in his recliner (which he does half the time anyway) if he needed to.

All was not lost; the girls did drift back to sleep to the sounds of grandma's oxygen concentrator, but the same sleep escaped me for the moment, to be substituted for a nice nap the next day.

Dean remained on his own turf in the living room. But I felt compelled to check the stove a couple of times, just to assure that his pancakes were cooked appropriately. One black one left on a plate did not make me feel comfortable about his turning the stove off when he was done.

There have been many times in my own life that I'm sure I overlooked God's final instructions for me, leading to various degrees of crises He's had to see me through. How gracious and patient God is to "check up" on me as well.

I try to comfort myself with the thought that no matter how much turbulence I experience in my flight to heaven, God is the pilot, seatbelt, and flight attendant, overseeing reaching my final destination on schedule. What a great Caregiver He is!

The Mystery Whistler

As many married folk have been known to do, we have accused each other of snoring during the night, with expected denials by the accused party.

Last night was no different. Once again, just as I would be about to drop off to sleep, I repeatedly found myself awakened by an annoying whistling sound that just had to be coming from one of Dean's famous snoring episodes.

Curiously enough he would stop whistling the minute I woke up, turned off my bi-pap machine, took off my nasal mask, and began to ask him to stop making the noise. After about the third time, it began to dawn on me that my nasal mask must have been losing its "seal" and causing the offending whistle. Dean had informed me that sometimes I whistled in my sleep, but I naturally didn't believe him.

Jesus' plea came alive for me: "Judge not...why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?" (Matthew 7:3) For me it would be "why do you accuse your husband of snoring, but do not consider your own annoying whistles?"

Even caregivers need to take their eyes off others and look at their own needy selves for a reality check now and then.

Machine that gave me a whistle and a laugh!

Sleepless Nights

Some nights I have a hard time sleeping, and there are other nights when Dean can't sleep. There seems to be a change though after thirty-plus years of marriage. We don't usually keep each other awake when this happens. I can turn my light on to read, get up several times, but Dean doesn't skip a snore. And likewise, he can have trouble sleeping and go out to the living room recliner for several hours before I even know he's gone from bed.

There was one period that I was super vigilant about his getting up in the middle of the night here recently though, and that's when he was having a hard time on one of his medicines and had a lot of mental confusion and vivid dreams. As much as it took away from my sleep, I was usually able to wake up several times when he did in the night, wanting to be there to reassure him and let him know that "it was just a dream." It reminded me of parents when there's a new baby in the house. Suddenly young adults, who could sleep through a tornado siren, can hear their baby's slightest whimper.

I got to wondering if God isn't like that with us. How close and attuned He is to us when we're the most needy. Even though I'd like to think that God is intimately close all the time, I think He has the ability to make that relationship even more rich and comforting, when we're in our darkest hours. No matter what happens, no matter how hard life gets, God can be trusted to be there for us, assuring us that "it's just for a little while."

Caregiver Guilt

It's been a difficult week and month. First, my mother's only sister passed away in California, bringing many flashes of mom's final illness and death in 2010. I can't imagine the recent pain of my niece and her husband as they dealt with all the caregiving and final arrangements without the support of siblings. They are to be commended for their brave decisions and actions these last terribly busy weeks. I pray for comfort in their grief as they try to take up their normal duties at home now.

Besides all the feelings that came with my aunt's passing, I've also been trying to ignore my own feelings of guilt. There, I've said it. It's definitely guilt. I feel guilty for not being happy over Dean's improvement in health since we stopped one of his medicines.

The simple fact is that he was much easier to care for when he was sleeping most of the day and wasn't having any emotional outbursts. Sure, he was having vivid dreams and even hallucinations, and had much more memory loss. His overall health and strength seemed to be slipping away. I was terribly worried about him and it took a second opinion of another specialist to pinpoint what the problem was.

But now that he's back to his ol' ornery self, I find myself wistfully wanting him back in "la-la land". It's a selfish wish for sure, but if I totally come clean and confess, maybe I can quit feeling sorry for myself. There are joys in this difficult task of caregiving. I just have to look for them again.

Taken this Easter Sunday, at our in-laws' church...a joyful occasion!

Close Buddies

As I look over the past week, the past few days actually, I've noticed an improvement in the "dream" area. Dean hasn't been living his dreams, like he was there for awhile. It's been nice not to have to worry about him waking up, ready to act out whatever he was dreaming about. I like it when he knows who I am in the morning.

It may have been the last medicine we stopped entirely. It was only a pill we split in half, but it must have made some kind of difference. He also went to Easterday (his adult day program) on both of his scheduled days last week. Much to my enjoyment.

He's still taking quite long naps, like five or six hours, as opposed to eight or nine. And occasionally getting up in the middle of the night and not going back to sleep for several hours. A problem I've had myself recently. Maybe it's the weather.

One thing I have to share that just happened early this morning. Out of the blue, it seemed in his sleep as we both lay in bed (I was lying there awake, trying to go back to sleep myself), Dean said a very brief and heartfelt prayer to God. It was so sweet and I just felt God's presence in the room. Usually his prayers of late have been very long, slurred, and repetitive. But this one was just as clear as a bell.

What a blessing it is to have the Holy Spirit convey our prayers to God. He does all the translating for us, even when we are at a total loss for words. I do believe it will be easier for me to trust Dean to God's care today. I know they are still close buddies.

Dean's new lift recliner (it seems to do more reclining than lifting these days)

Dreaming Big

I know it's time I was letting my readers know how Dean is doing. To be honest, there's not much to report. He eats, he sleeps, he eats, he sleeps. Much like a newborn, I suppose. Nothing eventful I can sink my teeth into.

I could give details about some of the vivid dreams he's been having though. He can't seem to shake them when he wakes up. They are so real to him. They even affect his mood throughout the day I've noticed. One day he was very tired all day, because he'd been doing hard labor with a crew. He still says there's a pile of lumber in our backyard for evidence. Then one day he was very depressed. This dream involved a race car driver who was killed, and Dean felt responsible for it. Today, he's been a bit on the grumpy side, and I'm sure it has something to do with whatever he dreamed last night.

Dementia has so many different sides to it. The first year they said it was dementia, there was more memory loss, then falling a lot, this year seems to be the year of dreams and sleep disturbances. What next? Something tells me it will involve wandering. Not looking forward to that one.

Is this not how all of us tend to fall away from God? We forget how much He loves and provides for us, we start falling into sin, we sleep through sermons and dream big dreams for ourselves, and finally we wander away completely from God's side. A very telling story indeed.

Praise Him, Praise Him

This is the third week that Dean hasn't felt up to attending his adult day program, which he normally goes to on Tuesdays and Fridays. He's not been sleeping so good at night, but makes up for it during the day. It seems to be related to his high blood pressure readings during the night though, so I have hopes of resolving this issue someday with medication adjustments.

Just to get him out of the house this morning, I suggested that we go to the grocery store that his day program goes to once a month. They have a sit-down cafeteria there and it's nice for the clients, Dean's friends for years now, to associate with some of the regular customers there.

They were all happy to see Dean and see how he's been doing. And they are always happy to see me. Evidently Dean has told them so much what an angel I am, that they have come to actually believe it. I get a lot of good affirmation from that crowd. Even though we have had little interaction over the years, they act like I'm their best friend.

This reminded me that through our praise of Jesus, we can actually make Him feel close to others too. They can come to appreciate Him as much as we do. The nicest praise we receive is that given when we aren't around to hear it. In other words, it's important to praise Him everywhere, not just in church.

Sleeping the Day Away

I want so much to report on Dean's health condition and say that the puzzle has been solved, but I'm afraid that might be a bit premature. He's still sleeping an enormous portion of his days away, but is awake several hours during the night. There is just nothing I can do to make him stay awake during the day or to make him go back to bed at night.

We went to the doctor's Thursday, and after urine and blood tests, we still don't have a clue as to what's going on with Dean and why he's showing such magnified symptoms. The symptoms aren't new, but they certainly are increased in just the last couple of weeks. We're adjusting the dosage of a couple of medicines that might help.

I stayed home from church because I don't feel comfortable leaving him for even a little while any more. He is so disoriented and confused when he is awake. Especially when he first gets up.

Another picture puzzle is being worked out on my dining room table. But the biggest puzzle of all is once again napping his day away in his recliner. Our daughter and the two granddaughters came over, but even they could not keep him awake more than a few minutes.

I'm sure God must be puzzled over a lot of His beloved children too. He tries for years to wake them up from their spiritual lethargy. We Christians sleep our way into spiritual lukewarmness. I pray God will not only wake me up, but that I can stay awake as long as time allows me on this earth and that I can serve Him to the fullest right up to my dying breath.

One of the few times he's been awake!

Our Puzzling Lives

The last few days I've been working on a 750-pc. puzzle on my kitchen table and I must say I forgot how therapeutic it can be to work on such a project. Life has slowed down a lot since Dean's been sleeping so much, and we've been staying home more. So I came across this puzzle when I was cleaning a closet last week, and today I finished it. Or as Dean says, WE finished it. I gave him the last piece to put in.

As I worked on the puzzle, several thoughts came to mind. First of all, our lives are like a puzzle. Two qualities that make puzzle solving possible are patience and perseverance, also necessary for solving life's problems. As I worked on the puzzle, I also noticed how necessary it was to look at things from all angles and perspectives.

Sometimes a piece looks like it will fit, but it doesn't, and you just can't force it in the spot it wasn't designed for. We can try to fit ourselves into spots that God's will hasn't ordained for us, and the picture we end up with is marred, just like my puzzle would be if I tried to fit in pieces that were wrong.

When I was done, I felt like congratulating myself on a such a fine piece of art, even though I wasn't the artist. And likewise God, the Master Artist and Creator, deserves all the praise when our lives end up attractive in any way. But you know, if we lose a piece or two from the puzzle, people will still be able to make out the picture. We shouldn't worry over lost opportunities or mistakes in life. They just happen. God can still use us to reveal His perfect will in the end.

Dean, with his brain injury from the accident, has pieces missing from his brain, but that won't affect his final picture on Resurrection Morning at the Second Coming. I know I'll be able to recognize fully the whole picture of Dean. He's been an interesting puzzle to work with these 37 years we've been married. And God has taught me a lot of lessons along the way.

Called The Blessing of Summer, by Thomas Kincaide

Our Most Holy Brain

Two days ago after Dean's bath aide and nurse left the house, he questioned his memory by asking me if that was his nurse Carol who just left. I gently corrected him with Carla's name. He has had Carla come to the house every week for over a year now and still has trouble remembering her name before, during, and after her visits.

Imagine my surprise and shock when Dean left the doctor's office yesterday by shaking hands and saying "Good-bye, Cori" to the young man who was shadowing his doctor. They had just been introduced once at the beginning of our session. Was it a "white-coat" syndrome? Or just a fluke? I had to smile.

With Dean's array of symptoms lately, mostly involving sleep, appetite, and memory, he's proving to be quite the medical challenge for his doctors. As a matter of fact, the psychiatrist yesterday said he wants to research the medicines out there for what would be best for Dean.

The doctor did ask if it was possible to manage his diet better. I almost laughed. My full-time occupation is managing his diet. We mostly try to have regular, healthy meals, but Dean is just hungry all the time. I mean literally all the time. And with his memory getting worse, he asks for another meal, almost as soon as he's up from the table. I have been welcoming the end of the month when our cupboards are almost bare. At least then I can honestly say, there's nothing to eat.

And then there's his sleep habits lately. I would have thought that going to his day program yesterday and staying awake all day would have meant a good night's sleep and getting back to a healthy day and night pattern of sleep. But here he is sleeping the day away again. Barely staying awake long enough to eat his meals. One day I tried three times when his Meal on Wheels arrived to get him up to eat at noon. If he's maintaining his weight, we can thank his new sleep habits. Except he's missing out on exercise through inactivity too, so muscle weakness is also a concern.

I'm not sure what the doctors can do, if anything, to fix these medical problems for Dean. Our bodies, as we age, are deteriorating. There's no stopping the natural process of life and death.

But Dean illustrates to me just how important our brain is to our overall health. If our bodies are considered the temple of God, then surely the brain must be the Most Holy Place in that temple. We communicate to God through our thoughts, our brains. He resides there as surely as His glory shone above the ark of the covenant. Today and each day, I must be careful not to defile it.

A Trip to the Grocery Store

Dean has bounced all over the map the last couple of weeks when it comes to his health. He's gone from getting almost no sleep to sleeping way too much, from having an appetite that asks for food almost as soon as he gets up from the table to sleeping through breakfast and lunch and not requiring much food in between.

His hunger seems to have returned somewhat, but I have tried earnestly to satisfy it today with anti-diarrhea foods. Need I say more. We think the diarrhea is a side effect of his new medicine. But it makes it even more challenging to come up with something for him to eat when there are certain foods he should avoid and others that he should eat. I had to make a trip to the grocery store to get stocked up on the right foods. Now, to convince him of my choices.

This old earth isn't so healthy either. I need to remember that there are certain activities that I should avoid if I want to stay away from the sins that are messing up our world so much. But there are also lots of activities that I can enjoy that will keep me from being sin-sick. Fortunately, a visit to my Bible tonight can help me stock up on what I need.

That BIG Tractor

I almost hate to write about Dean's pills again, but it is the all-consuming thing in my life right now. Instead of being awake all night, now he's sleeping night and day. He slept through breakfast. But it blew me away when he wouldn't wake up when his Meal on Wheels arrived. It was time to try and reach his doctors and nurses on the phone again.

He got up an hour or so later though, ate lunch, and then I had him help sign some Christmas cards, just so he wouldn't go right back to bed. The notes he wrote on them were a bit undecipherable, but I got a laugh, hearing him read one out loud as he was writing it. He was reminding someone about the big tractor that ran over him. "I mean it was a big, Big, BIG tractor," he wrote. Just comical how he said it.

At least I did have two small accomplishments today, since I seemed to be a failure at trying to talk to anyone about his pills. I got some Christmas cards ready to mail, and I gave the dog a bath.

Jesus gives me small spiritual victories too, even while there's these big, Big, BIG ones out there waiting for me to tackle. I'm not in the battle alone, even though it feels like it some days when no one seems to return my calls. I'll just "make do".

Sleepless Days and Sleepless Nights

Another sleepless night for Dean, even though we doubled one of his antidepressants. I have hidden or disguised as many foods in my kitchen as I can to prevent his foraging them in the middle of the night. So far, we have said good-bye to a box of chocolate-covered cherries, a pizza, and a gallon of ice cream. Nothing is safe from his nightly kitchen raids.

Not sure how we will address all of this, but I'm sure the doctors will get it figured out here before long. Thankfully, Dean's sleeplessness hasn't transferred to more grumpiness during the day. He has been able to doze a lot in his recliner.

I often have wondered whether it's right to keep Dean on so many medications, especially when they will undoubtedly end up shortening his life. But extraordinary conditions sometimes demand extraordinary solutions. And this is confirmed to me whenever we have to tweak his drugs, in order to tweak his behaviors. He is much more manageable to us and happy with himself with his pills.

It's a blur to me what behaviors are brain-injury/dementia-induced, and which ones are due to the powerful psychiatric medicines though. But regardless, I'm glad we have a good geriatric psychiatrist on his case. And our efforts are allowing Dean to have the best quality of life he could have for someone who had a tractor run over his head twelve years ago.

I recently found added confirmation to our treatment plan. This article suggests that many dementia patients can benefit from antipsychotic drugs. Hooray. I feel exonerated.

http://www.comebackearlytoday.com/antipsychotics-dementia-patients-extremely-severe-symptoms-2/

All For a Q-Tip

I was up rather late last night, simply because I had been babysitting for the grandchildren at their house earlier. Suddenly I heard a loud thud and a familiar moan come from the room next to me. I rushed in to see that Dean had once again fallen. This time he was sitting on the floor of his closet, and simply asked me to help him up.

After much effort to get him back in bed, my nephew heard the ruckus and came in to help him get up from the floor. I asked Dean what he was doing out of bed and he said he got up to get a Q-tip. What a price to pay for a Q-tip. But once again there didn't seem to be any injuries to report, so we tried to make light of it and all went back to bed.

How many times we pay enormous prices for the momentary pleasure of something as fleeting as a Q-tip? It makes you want to examine your life for anything that just isn't worth the cost of your salvation. God has a better plan that won't end up with us helpless on the floor, needing others to help us up.

Wiggling Out

I'm beginning to experience blog withdrawals--two nights in a row I've missed posting on this blog. But they have been busy nights. Friday night we were at a friend's house for a little Christian fellowship and last night I babysat again for my daughter so she could have her "date night" out with my son-in-law.

This time babysitting, I faced a real dilemma. Instead of just Julia, the two-year-old falling asleep in my lap, Jenna, the almost-four-year-old, fell asleep there too. I thought I was going to have to sit frozen under this "iceberg" of heavy toddlers until the mommy/daddy couple returned. But just before they walked in the door, I had managed to wiggle out from under the sleeping masses, leaving them still asleep in two bulky heaps. One in the chair and the other on the floor.

This reminded me of all the times when I thought I'd never manage to wiggle out of a difficulty, only to find that when I got the courage to wiggle a little, the Lord helped unload those burdens gracefully and almost effortlessly. God sees our struggles, but most importantly we have to see that He's nearby. And He'll be walking through the door to rescue us fully, much sooner than we expect.