What Do You Expect?

I've never had the luxury of having a dishwasher. I was beginning to feel almost as left out as someone might feel who's never owned a microwave. Dishwashers seem almost standard in houses these days, whether it's a rental or any other house on the market.

The only thing that's kept me from yearning for a dishwasher has been the fact that you have to bend over to load and unload the things. It's hard for me to do that these days, because of my shortness of breath. I can barely manage to do a few loads of laundry every week.

But now, I have something that makes me feel better about being out of the loop for not having a dishwasher.  I have a maid!

Yes, I persuaded my husband's care coordinator that we needed more than a chore provider to help with light housekeeping, which was being nicely provided by our daughter for the last few years.

Now I need someone with time to tackle tougher household duties that I am getting more and more incapable of doing as the years go by.


Fortunately, I had just the right person in mind for the job: a friend who's also a professional housecleaner. We finally got her paperwork completed and she started work today. After several hours, our house is sporting a very clean refrigerator, living room floor, and bathroom, and I have her to thank for this magic of cleanliness.

I am eagerly looking forward to her visit next week and feeling very optimistic about the future cleanliness of our home. God knew just what kind of help we needed and prompted me to ask for it at just the right time.

I never expected God would be able to answer my need for help so completely. But as usual, He has far exceeded my expectations time and again. That's just the kind of God He is. You ask for someone to do some housecleaning, and he sends you a real professional maid!

Forty Years and Counting

• Forty years, toiling as a shepherd, taught Moses what he needed to know about God and made him fit to lead the Hebrews out of Egypt. (Acts 7:29-30)

• Due to their lack of faith, those same Hebrews spent forty years in the wilderness, learning of God, before they were allowed to enter the Promised Land. (Exodus 16:35)

• Jesus fasted forty days in a wilderness region after His baptism, as He fortified Himself for His public ministry. (Matthew 4:1, 2)

• God's followers were given forty days with Jesus, following His resurrection, learning of His Kingdom. (Acts 1:3)

The number "forty" is found repeatedly in Scripture, often pertaining to training periods. And thus I look at the first forty years of our marriage. Surely a lot has been learned and hopefully applied during our extended time of testing these last forty years.

It hasn't always been a smooth ride, but then whose is? Although we haven't ordinarily celebrated too heavily our wedding anniversary, this year seemed like a particularly important one to recognize.

Our church family and friends helped us with this for a change, and we really felt loved by their kind reception and dinner.

Caregiving has become a way of life, but it will always be a way of learning...for both of us.

A Master at Forgiving

Last night, I blew it. I mean I blew up, lashed out, and totally shattered my normally passive persona. Yes, it happens on occasion. Not frequently, but certainly more often than I'd like.

I protested, with a capital "P", when my husband changed the TV channel from a show I was watching. Keep in mind that he gets to pick what to watch 90% of the time. Only one or two shows a week interest me enough to watch, so I really had a royal outburst when he did it to me once again.

After screaming my disgust with him, I stomped to the bedroom, closed the door pretty forcefully, and let myself pout and stew for a few minutes.

When I felt calmer and more in control and knew that God had already forgiven me, I had to find out if my loving husband would accept my apology too. At first, it didn't appear he had. This was very disappointing. But after my second stab at an apology, he had finally gotten over it, and we were back on good terms.

What a lesson for me to never harbor negative, unloving thoughts and to forgive unconditionally. If God is quick to forgive, how dare we wallow in our self-pity and hurt pride and not forgive someone. The only way to repair our relationships with anyone is to forgive, even before they ask for it, and even when they don't. (That's how Jesus forgave when He was up on the cross.)

That short period of time when I felt unforgiven was horrible. Hopefully this experience makes me even more diligent about forgiving those who have injured me in any way. I must try to feel things from their perspective.

And there's no one I'd hate to neglect doing this for than my own husband. With his brain injury, he typically has outbursts almost daily. I've just had to get used to them.

He is almost always apologetic after his outbursts, when he can remember having them. I must be careful to immediately honor his attempts to reconcile, even when it happens multiple times a day.

I thank God every day for this life of a caregiver. The lessons never stop coming. I am determined to be a master at forgiving seventy times seven...or basically forever.

My Roller Coaster Life

I occasionally hear from other caregivers, especially when they are struggling through some crisis. It brings my own difficulties into focus, and sometimes makes me feel a bit guilty for reporting mundane events in this blog.

But sometimes the mundane, ordinary things are what we like to hear. They are a true reflection of what caregiving is like. They give us hope that our lives will eventually return to some kind of normalcy. Even if that normalcy is unlike any others'.

To be honest, there are many small ups and downs with caregiving. But isn't life like that on the whole?

• One minute, I'm doing a happy dance when they tell me on the phone that Dean has passed his compliancy requirements with Medicare and will be able to keep his C-PAP.

• The next, I still trying to convince Dean that same night that he has to wear the C-PAP, in order for BOTH of us to have a good night's sleep.

• One minute, I'm enjoying the company of friends we've invited over for dinner (something I've started doing again to satisfy my social needs).

• The next, I'm trying to explain to a telemarketer that the 800-call my husband made to them was a "mistake" (his attempt to be social and connected), and to please take us off their call list.

• One minute, I'm happily watching my two granddaughters wash dishes in my sink.

• The next, I'm down on my hands and knees, trying to clean up the pancake batter that Dean has accidentally flung all over the kitchen.

Yes, life is just one emotional bump after another. They may not all bring us to the mountaintop or the lowest valley, but it's a ride nonetheless.

I'm determined to just sit down in my roller coaster seat, holding Jesus' hand all the way, screaming only at the scariest parts. That's all He expects.

Show Me the Way!

Last week I was disheartened to find that Dean is still not using his C-PAP enough hours to pass the Medicare requirements for coverage. But I begged the pulmonary company for the real deal on what it takes to pass the 30-day test. What I discovered was quite different than I had been thinking.

He has to use this needed breathing equipment at least 4-6 hours every day for thirty consecutive nights, or 24-hour periods (daytime naps count). But he has ninety days to reach that goal. And there's no way to cheat. There's a computer in the C-PAP that relays the usage data to the needed offices. It can even tell whether he's wearing it on his face, or just has the machine turned on.

Wow, what a revelation this was! But armed with our new information, I was able to motivate Dean to wear it all night for the last three nights. I am just praying that he continues this trend, because if he skips even one night, or fails it by even a few minutes, then the 30-day count has to start all over.

All this has made me grateful for a God who makes our salvation so relatively simple. First, He is very simple and straightforward in His requirements.

But best of all, He doesn't just sit there, pouring over our life record, waiting to see if we will pass the test of life. He actively gives us the needed tools to achieve our goal and makes sure we know everything there is to know about having success.

Praise God for making our victory so relatively simple. He truly wants each of us to be covered with His unfailing love and salvation. Once again, what a revelation this was!

Our Dinner Invitation

This weekend something very unusual happened. Someone actually invited my husband and I home for Sabbath dinner! It was someone whose wife has Alzheimer's. How could I turn it down?

Even though our cook admitted to limited kitchen prowess, he was quite the charming host with his catered pizza and service with a smile. We enjoyed an afternoon of food and fellowship, and it made me feel guilty for depriving Dean of this very real part of our former life.

I can't blame people for not asking us to their home. I have been negligent in inviting people over myself for the last ten years or so. Dean's increased dementia, tight budgets, the added stress--all have contributed to our social isolation.

I determine at the beginning of every year that I am going to make an effort to have someone over for a meal occasionally like the good ol' days, but it just gets harder, the longer I put it off. Surely, opening up our own home to visitors would result in more invitations like the one we just had.

But is this really how it should be? Many of the people Dean would invite home after church were the ones who seldom got invitations. We never worried how it would turn out, whether we'd get invited over to their place in return, what they would think of our humble dwelling, or our simple menu. It was all about caring about others that motivated our hospitality.

And we were never disappointed with our guests and the outcome of our visits. Whether it was our closest friends, a one-time visitor who may have been living on the street, or the pastor's family, everyone was a treat to have in our home.

I am truly resolved now to return to some kind of social life outside simple attendance at church. We must all get back to this very Christian habit of "breaking bread" with each other in our homes. It's personal, it's uniting, and it's fun! Thank you, Clyde, for your thoughtful reminder of one of our very important Christian duties.

The Best We Can

We're waiting for the results of Dean's second sleep study. We know in our hearts what the "verdict" will be--they will recommend a C-PAP again. The part I'm sweating about is how we'll ever get him to comply with this extreme adjustment. He has gotten used to wearing one, and I've seen him wear it all night quite often. But as with many of his assistive devices it tends to go through spells of neglect.

The hardest part to admit is that this mirrors my prayer and devotional life. There will be spells of spiritual fervor when I get immersed in the presence of God, but these are interspersed with drought, when I'm lucky to feel even a sprinkling of His blessing.

I must remember this very human phenomenon and know that God mercifully makes allowances for it. I'm sure even the disciples and early church believers experienced ups and downs in their religious practice. That's why God recommended that they fast and take times to separate themselves from the multitudes for fasting, prayer, and spiritual renewal.

I know that wearing a C-PAP for Dean is a very healthy thing for him to do. But just as actively and fervently seeking God is the most "healthy" thing I can do for my soul, God makes allowances for me when my religious zeal is less than robust.

I must not be anxious about Dean, but trust that overall, we are doing the best we can...and that is all God expects of us.