A Special Day

They say grief is most difficult around the holidays, and this first Christmas without Dean I know will not feel the same. My daughter, sensing this for me, and feeling it at the same time herself, is making every effort to not only make this time of year special for me, but to make it different for all of us.

For instance, instead of passing out gifts to open, as we are accustomed on Christmas Eve, she has planned a mystery treasure hunt for our granddaughters. It won't be the same, but maybe that's a good thing. It won't remind us of Dean's traditional way of wearing a Santa hat and directing the girls in who to give the gifts to, one by one, even after they were capable of reading the name tags on the packages themselves.

All of this and more is good in helping us get over the fact that Dean is not here to enjoy the Christmas season with us. But then today, I was blindsided by Dean's birthday. Yes, December 4th was "his day". How do you replace that? I thought it would be easy to ignore the day, rather like I did with our anniversary last summer.

There are lots of things going on in the summer though, making it easier to let our anniversary pass more or less unnoticed. But his birthday falls on a time of year, when one is more homebound. We just had another hefty load of snow this weekend, forcing us seniors to stay closer to home and off the slippery streets and sidewalks when we can. I have more time on my hands to reminisce.

So, here I am, pouring over old photos, remembering how I would go to such lengths every year to celebrate his birthday with a come-and-go party, or some such event, so he would feel "special" on his day. He always said December birthdays were hard as a kid, because everyone's focus and finances would be on the birthday of Jesus. Not that he minded sharing the time with Him he would say, but especially as a child, the loss would have been noted with some sadness.

I'm not a person prone to tears, which they say is alright for those who grieve. But last night, I too had some sadness, and actually shed some healthy tears after a photo excursion into past times with my life partner.

Unfortunately, this is all I can give him this birthday. But, maybe that's enough to get me through the day. I'm thankful for the relief those tears brought. Yes, tears might just be my new way to celebrate Dean's birthday. But, I'm OK with that. It's the least I can do to keep his memory alive.

trying to make daddy feel special on his birthday--he always appreciated our efforts