Christmases, Past and Present

My second Christmas without Dean...it just isn't the same, of course, without his jolly, fun-loving persona filling the house with holiday joy. I remember when we were in Montana, just three-years into our marriage, when he came home from logging one weekend with not one, but three trees he had cut down for us to decorate. He apologized for not having a tree the previous two years, so was making up for his negligence, he said. But I wondered where in the world he expected us to put up three trees in the tiny mobile home we had bought. Of course, he had our mobile home park neighbors in mind all along, I am sure. He was always thoughtful of others that way, and he quickly knew just who to deliver them to.

But that brings me to our first Christmas. I'm not sure how it was arranged, but he managed to be the "Santa" for a nursing home in Minnesota, where we were then living. He was such a hit with the seniors there, calling them little boys and girls, asking them if they'd been naughty or nice that year. One lady questioned his authenticity by pointing out his Southern accent (which he had acquired, I assumed, from his truck-driving days). Dean was quick to exonerate himself by announcing that he was from the SOUTH Pole, which got him another thunderous amount of laughter and applause from the crowd gathered there.

So, as you can see, I have ample memories to bolster me this holiday season. And, I'll never feel truly alone with so many friends, who still send Christmas cards every year. Besides, the greatest Friend of all is always present to fill in the emptiness that invades my heart ever so often. Jesus has promised to be with us to the end. That means I'll always have Him. He's the reason for all the joy I have and still experience in life. What a blessing the Lord has been to me!

Basking in Memories

How could a whole month slip through my fingers, as I see it is already December 1st on the calendar? I must confess, I have fought writing about anything too personal as we march closer and closer to the holidays. Just spent a lovely Thanksgiving with my daughter's in-laws, and am so grateful they include me in their gatherings. Would be a lonely time indeed without them. Stanleys, you are the best!

Then, there's Dean's birthday on December 4th. That will be a hard day for me. I always tried to make it as pleasant and happy a time for Dean as I could. Of course, that became harder each year toward the end, but he always got enjoyment out of anything I would plan. Anything that brought friends over was a hit. He just thrived on the company of others. His stories were legendary. And his jokes, even after hearing them multiple times, never ceased to bring a smile. Yes, people were always the best gift you could give this man of mine. The bigger the party, the better. I thank each and every one of you who made it out to our little "come and go's" each year.

Mulling over memories may not be the best way to increase faith. But I do feel my faith grow as I ponder these things. I don't have a choice really. I could sink lower and lower into the sadness of past times, or let my faith soar in the visions of what life will be like when Jesus comes. I choose the latter. Dean will have the party of his life, when the trump of God calls him from his resting place, and I join him in the air on our way to the Promised Land. In the meantime, I'll bask in the memories and plan for the future.

Times weren't perfect, but there were happy moments like this one...another Dec. birthday.

Some Things Never Change

Shortly after my big family reunion last month, October brought me to another reunion...my own 50th high school reunion. Living in another state now, I had never attended one of their get-togethers before, so it was quite enlightening to see my classmates after all this time. Half a century, in fact!

Besides briefly reconnecting with school friends, it was a joy to see my hometown again as well. It was amazing to see how all the places had changed--some weren't even there any more. Yet, mercifully most of the landmarks survived and brought back so many memories.

The three weeks I've spent at my sister's so I could attend my high school reunion, included a brief time when my brother was able to be with us and we could enjoy each other's company again. Living in three distant states has made these sibling visits rare and treasured.

Once again, memories have been a constant companion since I've been here with my sister. I've noticed more reminiscing about my husband Dean too, gone for almost two years now. How he would have enjoyed the activities I've had these past few weeks.

I'm looking forward to returning home to family in Nebraska though, where I can busy myself with current events in my life. Remembering is a good and necessary tool of surviving grief, but remaining active is also a blessed way to put the past behind and get on with life as it is.

As you can see, the years have brought some outward changes, but inside we're just 3 happy kids!

Curiously, the natural landmarks are the ones that remain changeless.
These dunes we passed through on our daily summer swim in the ocean, was one thing that hadn't changed!

Family

How great it was to reunite with family members this past weekend! My father's side of the family, the Wards, had their first grand reunion in quite a long time. What set it apart from other reunions was the fact that it was not the occasion of a funeral this time.

It was wonderful and relaxing to re-connect with each other and reminisce in the happy aftermath of a 50th high school reunion that brought a few cousins to town at the same time. It provided the perfect opportunity to get our younger cousins, some who had never met, into a common area to enjoy a meal, in true family-reunion style.

I regret that I didn't stay longer, as it would have taken many hours to catch up properly on all our lives. But was thankful my daughter's family accompanied me and was able to meet cousins they might otherwise never have been able to meet. Those of us who needed to visit the most were unfortunately also those who tired the easiest, cutting our visit short.

Having lost my parents and a spouse makes it seem even more of a treasure to spend time with loved ones, every chance I get. I will treasure and look forward to meeting many family members in heaven, where time will not be a factor. We will have an eternity to get to know more about each other and be comforted in the immediate presence of our Lord and Savior.

"For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God [at the Second Coming]. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord. Therefore comfort one another with these words." 1 Thessalonians 4:16-18 NKJV

I call this a blessed hope...don't you?

That little toddler boy on the right was my father! 

A Day to Remember

As deficient as my husband's memory was after his traumatic brain injury, he never failed to remember the date of his injury. And neither will my daughter and I. It was September 1, 1999, when a tractor ran over him, causing life-threatening injuries which he barely survived. He couldn't remember any details of that day, but we all knew it represented a pivotal change for all of us.

Tomorrow marks the twentieth anniversary of that event, and although he's been gone from our family for a year and a half now, the memories of that day can't be erased. God took a disastrous calamity and shaped it to fit our needs. Although we couldn't know it at the time, it would be the cause for enormous spiritual growth that couldn't have occurred any other way.

September 1st will always hold a special place in our hearts. For...

"I will remember the works of the Lord

Surely I will remember Your wonders of old." Psalm 77:11

Missing Jane

For those who read my last few posts about my trip to North Carolina to care for a beloved family member, I must report her loss, as Jane is now resting in peace with her Lord and Savior. It's been about a week now, but the shock and pain still lingers for all involved in Jane's care.

There were moments when we all could see it coming; but it was too difficult to digest fully at the time. Each hospital stay and return home (there were five in the last four months) informed our minds gently that the end was coming. Full recovery was just not within the realm of Jane's 94-year-old, beleaguered body.

But we rejoice in the full, bountiful life of someone who took others' care as seriously as her own. She was a nurse by profession, but exhibited the same care and concern later on for her family on an everyday basis. And that family included my own brother. This mother-in-law took him under her wing from day one, replacing the mother he missed so much, as he and his new wife took up residence in her home state, rather than his.

I, too, felt a close bond with Jane, in just the two short months I was with her. She had a motherly way of making you feel you were very important. I even found myself calling her Mom on occasion.

Yes, Jane will be sorely missed, but certainly not forgotten, by all who knew her. She is resting in the arms of Jesus, as she awaits His return, a cherished belief that gave her and us hope and peace that we will see her again on Resurrection Morning.

"For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord."
1 Thessalonians 4:16, 17

The Family Team

Just stepped into my own home last night, after a two-and-a half month absence. A family caregiving errand of mercy in another state has accounted for this situation. But I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. I was just so glad I could be of assistance to my brother's family as they navigated the turbulent new waters of caregiving for his wife's mother and her cardiovascular needs, which have intensified the last few months, causing several hospitalizations.

With most of the family working, I saw firsthand how difficult one's care can be. It took all of us, using all our strength and endurance, to organize and perform all the daily tasks that were required in taking care of just this one 94-year-old person.

The upside of this was the way it fostered teamwork and made our family closer to each other. Yes, there were learning moments when we all needed to hit our "reset" buttons and get back to what we were there for. But on the whole, it felt like we were growing and managing this together, and that was a comforting thought.

It's difficult when you go at it alone with caring for someone, however. If someone is struggling to do this, for whatever reason, you can be someone who makes a difference. Offer to help. Any amount of assistance can be beneficial. Don't be afraid to ask. And make your offers specific. Encourage them to be specific about their needs. But, by all means, let caregivers know you care about them as well.

mother and daughter, filling the weekly pill box for grandma--no small task!

I'm Just So Tired!

If there was ever a need for a Sabbath rest day, caregivers should be first in line. We may not be able to rest from all our caregiving activities for a loved one, but we can certainly take advantage of this blessed time and draw closer to the One who cares for us.

(One of my favorite verses, 1 Peter 5:7, says, "casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you." Sometimes caregivers feel like nobody is taking care of them.)

If I ever felt a need for God's care and His rest day, it's been since I've been in North Carolina with my brother's family. Taking care of his 94-year-old mother-in-law since her two hospitalizations last month has been a stark reminder of what it was like in my previous caregiving days with my husband Dean.

Even with four adults in the household here, we find ourselves commenting to each other repeatedly, "I'm just so tired." Keep in mind that three of these adults have full-time jobs, and one (me) is disabled and on oxygen. There are also two elementary-age boys who need fed and supervised, when they aren't in school.

When does one find time to rest with all that needs to be done? Many households, not just ones with caregiving going on, are crying out for rest. But God has provided it through the Sabbath. On that day, we can stay home from doctor appointments, not schedule home health visits, cease from making care arrangements on the phone or computer, and omit our more vigorous household chores. As much as possible, God expects us to rest, not just in Him, but from our everyday labors. God knows we need it!

Thank you, Lord, for caring so much for us caregivers. How can we not feel closer to you on this sacred day? I plan on spending more time on the porch today, listening to the birds and smelling the flowers. Every day is a gift, but the Sabbath is the day that has been wrapped up special and delivered by God for our eternal enjoyment of peaceful rest. Caregivers included.

My brother--the reason I'm in North Carolina

Caregiving--Do We Ever Stop?

I see I skipped writing on this blog the whole month of March. Perhaps that was because I was kept company the whole time by a long-time friend who stayed with me, while she looked for more work and some housing she could afford. It actually turned out to be a blessing for me, because she does professional housecleaning, and my house got a thorough spring-cleaning while she was there!

But now, I find myself in North Carolina, helping my brother and sister-in-law take care of her 94-year-old mother, who's requiring more care since she got out of the hospital last week. They have full-time jobs that need their attention as well. So, I'm just a stand-in caregiver when they're not here, in addition to helping out with some of the household and kitchen chores. I'm just glad I'm available and able to do it.

A few months ago, my granddaughters, wondering why I still attended caregiver advocacy meetings, told me after their grandpa was gone that I wasn't a caregiver any more. Well, I reminded them that we're all caregivers in some sense, when we care about others.

Sometimes the duties are more visible than others, but the bottom line is that, as Christians, it's our duty and privilege to always care for others in real, tangible ways. Even when I'm just caring about caregivers through my participation in a caregiver advocacy group, it counts.

When I'm needing more care in a few years as I age, I hope I can bless in some way the person(s) taking care of me. It's just what we caregivers do. Caregiving never ends, because God's love doesn't either.

At times, Dean was almost as much my caregiver as I was his!

My Valentine Loves

It's become obvious to me why I'm avoiding posting on this blog this month. It must be because it marks the first year since Dean's been gone. I thought surely I would feel like writing something on February 2, the day of his death. And then Valentine's Day came around, and even though he was on my mind quite a bit, I just didn't have the heart to express my feelings and thoughts.

This was surely due to a shortage of time as well. It seems like a lot has been going on in my life, a lot of new obligations and responsibilities. I'm not sure if I'm the one to blame for this, or if God has seen fit to keep me busy, so I don't have time to get bogged down with grief.

For whatever reason, I am grateful that I can be useful, that I have a purpose for living, and that I still have ample memories of Dean to keep me going for as long as the good Lord sees fit. This must be grieving at its finest.

I've always believed that it was Dean who filled me with a lifetime of extraordinary experiences, both good and bad. But now, I just see it as the hand of God. He is the One who put me in touch with my soulmate, and even though Dean's gone, I still have three precious people in my life, who carry a part of him in their DNA. My daughter and granddaughters are constant reminders of the love that kept us together (even when we were apart) for forty-two years.

Grace in a Snow Day

Snow days usually fall on a work day, it seems, which has certain drawbacks and advantages. You get to sleep in, catch up on housework, but then again you might be missing out on pay, and there's always the restless children to keep entertained.

Today though, our snow day fell on Saturday, which for those who attend church on that day, could be disappointing. An advantage to this dilemma might be the opportunity to pursue new, creative, reflective avenues to connect with God.

I was fortunate to have a kind neighbor use his snowblower to clear my driveway, which always makes me feel safer, just in case I do have to get out and drive in this mess. Those who have posted pictures online of the beautiful snow landscapes outside our windows have reminded me of the beauty of the season, which we sometimes take for granted, just like all of God's blessings.

So, for these two things alone, I am grateful:

• for the loving care of family and friends, and 
• for the loving care of God, the Creator of that beautiful snow out there, gracing all the bare tree limbs with soft, billowy clouds of puffiness.