This involves re-arranging my living quarters so that I feel more comfortable, like buying a twin bed and turning my office into my bedroom. It's a challenge though to make these kinds of major changes, which I was never permitted to do because of Dean's dementia. I struggle now with wanting to change my surroundings so they are fresh and attractive, but also wanting to keep things just as they always were, this time so I will be reminded of Dean when I see them.
I read in a magazine article today that this kind of de-cluttering might be called "Swedish death cleaning". It's done for the purpose of relieving your loved ones of the frightful task of sorting and tossing your possessions when you are gone. Truth be told, part of my emotional state has probably been from a sinking feeling that with my spouse gone, I am next in line. As I make my decisions of whether or not to keep or toss our belongings, I think of the work I would be leaving my only daughter if I leave too much behind for her.
I'm rather frightened of what my next project will be in life after all this "cleaning" is done. I've spent hours planning Dean's memorial, and now organizing things in the house. It comforting to know that I will always have my writing to fall back on. Well, I say "always", but there are, of course, no guarantees in life.
My life is in God's hands totally. The peace of mind this thought brings helps validate why I'm still here and my husband isn't. I know I will see Dean soon, when Jesus comes in the clouds for both of us. He has not preceded me. He's just resting in peace. In the twinkling of an eye for him, I'll join Dean on that trip to our heavenly home to be with our Lord and Savior forever.
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| Dean in his twenties--How I'll see him at the resurrection! |
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| "...and every eye shall see Him..." Revelation 1:7 |
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