A Meal Made in Heaven

So nice to be invited out for a Thanksgiving dinner with family this year. With Dean's raging appetite these days, I was hoping his holiday eating would not get too out of hand.

We timed it right to get there when it was about time to eat. He can make a meal out of appetizers, if you know what I mean. I dished up his first plate, since it was just easier in a small kitchen with buffet-style serving. This assured that his first helpings were sensibly sized and not mounded so high on his plate.

He got his own seconds of favorites after that, but I was glad when they started offering pie for dessert. I'm sure he would have just continued eating plate after plate of food until time for dessert. We made sure he had one of the first pie pieces cut.

We had just the right amount of visiting during and after all of this, but were the first ones to head for home. I understood others soon followed who had other family dinners to attend (in-laws).

It made for a real family treat, being with our daughter's in-laws. Just one big happy family gathering.

It reminded me of the type of family gatherings we will enjoy in heaven someday. But there will be no rush there, no accommodating service, no watching calories, sugar or gluten contents either. It will just all be good-for-us food, and especially tasty. (Almost like this one we enjoyed on Thanksgiving Day.) I can't wait!

in between bites

My understanding hostess Shari--on the left!

Reputations

Dean's sister Lynn and brother-in-law John came for a visit today. They live in another state and we seldom get to see each other. His family was having a big family reunion in town, but we had our own little one right here in our cozy living room this morning--a much better place for Dean to be able to reconnect with his only sis.

Lynn helped me identify and mark some of their family photos, a task I hadn't even asked Dean to tackle. It surprised me how his sister could get stories out of him that I hadn't heard before though. As it often happens with dementia, his long-term memory is still pretty intact. I had hesitated to have him help me on his own simply because I know how frustrated he gets with such activities.

There was one relative she was telling us about who I was really interested in--perhaps because of my own breathing and oxygen problems. Dean's grandpa on his father's side was reportedly not a good provider. First of all, this was during the Great Depression. But he was nevertheless considered a good-for-nothing, and forced his grandmother to work and support their children. She later divorced him and continued to provide for her four children on her own. Then Lynn told me that he had asthma.

I instantly thought of my own great grandpa, who had asthma and an almost identical story of not working, leaving my great grandmother to support their eight children during the Depression. He was thought to be pretty worthless by the family, even to this day too.

Having experienced shortness of breath and several episodes of calling 911, I can relate to the debilitating effects of asthma, or any pulmonary problem. Keep in mind that there was no medical support of any kind back then for lung patients--no nebulizers, medicines, or inhalers. I doubt there was even portable oxygen for home use. Both of our grandfathers died at an early age, and from the sound of their stories may have suffered from mental depression as well.

This brought home to me how one's reputation can suffer unjustly and how important our understanding of disabilities is. My hope is that people now will become familiar enough with dementia, and all the other "invisible" disabilities out there, and that the memories we leave will be seen in a kinder light.

And of course, the greatest legacy of all is the life that reflects the Father's love. After all, God has a reputation to guard as well.

Dean and Lynn

 

Road Trip

As painful as road trips with Dean sometimes are, today's little jaunt to visit relatives in Council Bluffs wasn't bad at all. We listened to Prairie Home Companion on the radio on the way there. His comments about my driving took second place to his commentary on the trailer trucks and models of vehicles we saw on the highway. And on the way home, we were entertained by bluegrass music, rather than by Dean's limited musical repertoire.

As a matter of fact, he was on such a roll that when he started to read a church bulletin out loud on the way home, which I knew would be from cover to cover, I asked him politely if he could just read it to himself. His reply was "probably not", as he proceeded to read it out loud, just under the volume of the bluegrass music. I tried to keep my focus on the music instead of his bulletin monologue. I guess I could allow this one departure from the unexpected.

While there, we visited pleasantly with my cousins, even though I was worried that our cross conversations would send his behavior spiraling downward any minute. He does not do distractions well. But we kept him amply supplied with cookies and a soda, so he was able to overlook the fact that there was another conversation going on in the room besides his own. About the time I felt he might start repeating his stories, it was time for us to go.

Reflecting on our day, I see that I'm on a road trip to heaven. Am I focused on the right things as I whiz by others on life's highway, or am I criticizing the driving of others? Am I satisfied with the talents others have, or am I trying to outshine them with my own performance? Is my conversation with others always respectful and loving, or am I interested in drawing attention to myself?

When I think about it, Dean's struggles are really no different than my own.

Remembering Me

We had a super good time with in-laws tonight. The Thanksgiving food was great and the visiting was lively. We met in a different venue--the community room of my daughter's apartment complex. So, the setup was a bit complex with multiple trips to transport food and other items.

As often happens, we vastly overestimated how much we would eat, so several families went home with leftovers. But that's alright. You kind of expect that with holiday meals. It just seemed more daunting, because of the work of transporting the food all over again.

I usually find myself taking pictures at family events like this, and consequently I am seldom in any of the shots, which is kind of nice, as I don't feel I'm very photogenic anyway. But today my husband asked to take a picture of me when my two granddaughters were sitting on my lap. It was just the kind of shot I would love to have, so I got up, went clear across the room and gave him the camera to get our picture. It didn't come out the best, but I was grateful for Dean, thinking of me not being in any of the pictures.

For a man with dementia, he remembers me. And I'm thankful for that.

That's me and the two girls, clear across the room. He just took it from his comfortable spot on the couch.

Holiday Fever

Yesterday I was home alone, with Dean away at his adult day program. I was suddenly aware that it was the second of November. I was getting in the Christmas mood a bit and decided to check out the closet that houses our decorations.

I know most people put up all their decorations at once and probably a lot closer to December than this, but with Dean so resistant to change, I decided maybe just the nativity scene would quiet my decorating cravings for now and not unnerve him too much. Besides, our first thoughts of Christmas should be about baby Jesus anyway, right?

I'm glad the Thanksgiving holiday comes before Christmas. It should ideally put us in a thankful state of mind, before the giving season in December begins. Sadly, many are teaching children that Christmas is mostly about them and getting lots of gifts.

So with that off my mind, here are my two decorating attempts this week. I hope they help our family keep their perspective about what and who these two winter holidays are really about.

I've had this particular nativity scene for years. My sister sent it up to me from Florida several years ago. It's probably not an expensive one, but it is so realistic looking that I just love it. And she knew I would!

I needed to clean off my dining room table anyway, so I decided a Thanksgiving-looking centerpiece for it would be nice. Dean made the cornucopia one year at his adult program, I made the ceramic dish that says "Give us this day our daily bread" many years ago, and my sister-in-law made the cloth that says the same thing. The lace underneath was my mother's.

 So, all in all, it's about family!

A Caregiving Team

Today I discovered that my chore provider, helping me with Dean, is also going to be helping me! Of course, my biggest chore is taking Dean places, which I have come to really detest and avoid, when possible. An ex-truck driver, who feels his wife, at least, still needs driving instruction after almost 40 years, is not my idea of an ideal passenger. Neither of us are at our best by the time we arrive at our destination. So getting some more assistance with getting Dean out or just away from his recliner will be nice.

She will also be providing us with some needed housekeeping chores. Some of those deep cleaning tasks that I'm not so good at since my pulmonary failure six years ago. Dusting and getting cobwebs, cleaning the tub and floors, and just anything that requires a lot of bending over will be welcome help too.

I've thought of myself as Dean's sole caregiver up until about a year ago, but that just isn't true any more. With nurses and bath aides and now chore providers coming in and out of our lives, I'm now just part of the team. But it's nice to know that my caregiving teammates are looking out for me too.

I think this is also how God wants our church teams to function. We work as a team to keep each other spiritually uplifted and growing in the Lord. All of us need caregiving from each other and need to become involved in each others' lives as much as possible.

I'm glad there are so many people in my life who care enough to get involved. It keeps me going. And that keeps Dean going.

Garage Makeover and Over

We did some cosmetics on my garage today. In other words, covered up some major flaws. Like not being able to park my car in it...again. Mission accomplished on that one at least. We are under cover now from the elements. Tomorrow is trash day too, so we chose wisely the right day to lighten our load around here. The curb now features various unwanted items for pick up.

The hardest work of the day didn't involve physical objects though, but very tender, broken human emotions. How easy it is to fix an ugly garage, compared to fixing family misunderstandings. Someone wisely said, "I am responsible for what I say. I am not responsible for what you understand." Therefore, responsibility usually falls on both parties, and how sweet it is when we come together and accept that responsibility and put our differences behind us.

I am happy about my garage looking more presentable, but even happier tonight that one of my most valuable family relationships is looking better too. Because if there's one thing I don't want to end up on my curb, it's family peace and harmony.

A few years ago, when our grass was actually green!

The Tractor Tragedy

This marks an anniversary of sorts. The fact that it falls on the Sabbath makes it all the more poignant. I believe it was on a Friday thirteen years ago that Dean actually had a tractor run over him, causing him multiple life-threatening injuries, including coma and brain injury. So, we celebrated Sabbath on the Labor Day weekend by his bedside in ICU, wondering if he would live or die. And our family has never been the same since. It hasn't been all bad, by any means, but it definitely has been changed from what it was.

When we come to God, we likewise should expect some changes. And it also stems from a life-or-death experience. In many ways, our faith has grown immensely from what, at the time, was an overpowering tragedy.

Tragedy has the power to uplift us, but it also has the power to bring us down. The decision is ours. The attitude we have about even small inconveniences in our life are shaping us for the big stuff. The biggest predictor of success at handling the trials that come to us is the faith and walk with God we have every day.

The trials will come, but they don't have to catch us unawares.

Calming the Storm

I just heard about another disaster to fall on a niece of mine. She has four beautiful little daughters, but the two-year-old recently survived a dog attack, with multiple stitches on her face. Very traumatic for the whole family, as they were all there when it happened. But then tonight, it seems that they have had a house fire, destroying a large portion of their house.

We wonder when trials like this just seem to keep happening. If you have a belief in God, these bad experiences can shatter your image of Him. Let alone reduce your trust in Him to protect and keep you.

I've come to the conclusion that even God can't (or more correctly, won't) prevent all disasters though, simply because this is a planet that has rebelled, and Lucifer is temporarily in charge of as much mischief as he can muster. Let's be careful not to blame God for Satan's handiwork.

God, on the other hand, has promised to be with us in hard times. He doesn't always calm the storm, but He is always there to calm us. The comfort and strength He provides may be just what we need to carry us forward, even after the storm subsides. I pray my niece and her family will look to God as the means to survive these ordeals and that they can soon have some normalcy back in their lives.

The Party

There wasn't going to be a birthday party for my just-turned-two granddaughter today. At least nothing was planned beyond an immediate family thing. But then one set of grandparents wanted to come "visit", meaning two uncles and an aunt with them. Plus their close friends, another couple with two small children, said they were going to stop by. So this set of grandparents, Dean and I, was invited to join. And next thing you know my daughter had to rush out and get some pizzas to go with the cake and ice cream.

It ended up being a totally unplanned, spontaneous party--the best kind. Why is that the best kind? Because planning and preparation often ends up being too much work for someone. And parties are meant to be fun, not work.

Of course, when it's being done for someone you love, it isn't considered work. That's why the longest planned, most prepared party in the universe (when Jesus takes us home to heaven at His Second Coming) will not involve any "work".

All the preparation for that event will be done out of love and it will be the best party of all.

That Grand Reunion

It's been a year and a half since I lost both my parents to cancer. So many family milestones they've missed. Some good, some not-so-good. They both live on in our memories though. And also in the values and spiritual legacy they left for us.

I still have boxes of their papers, etc. to sort through, but just don't have the heart for it yet. Maybe someday when I'm in a real cleaning frenzy, I'll tackle it again. For now, I have two pieces of furniture that are daily reminders of their love and influence.

One, the dining room hutch, was my mom's pride and glory. It matches the table that she gave me several years ago when Dad took over her dining room and needed to set up his computer. She loved this dining room set and when I think about it, it's the first nice one she had. After forty years of marriage, you can understand her pride and joy in it. She hated to separate the set, but now they are together in my home. So, that's my reminder of Mom.

The computer desk is not an expensive one, but Dad loved his computers and the way they let him stay connected to his loved ones. It was in the only room in the house that Mom turned over to him for all his collections. I think of all the hours I spent emailing, then messaging, and finally video-chatting with Dad in his last years.

I can't bring them back, but so long as I have their memory, even without the physical reminders, I am blessed. They are resting in the grave until our grand family reunion in the sky!

What Families Do

Dad. Uncle. Brother-in-law. The man who's coming for a last-minute visit this weekend will find many family members vying for his attention. We are looking forward to his advice (as Dad), his teasing (as Uncle), and his handyman expertise (as brother-in-law). He will be one busy man, but I gather he's looking forward to the adventure too with his boring assignment in Kansas City looming in front of him for a few more weeks.

That's what families do though. They help each other. They receive help from each other. And no one keeps count. That's how it should be in our churches too. Church is another support system to rely on. And so important, especially if your biological family lives far away. I don't see how people can live without them. It keeps you from being too invested in yourself or even your own immediate family. We are made to mingle. And God gave us a whole day every week to do it. Let your next Sabbath be about family.

Mountain of Dishes

I made a breakthrough discovery today, which should lessen the dish washing time for my resident nephew who's been good enough to tackle the dishes every night, even after a hard day at work. This morning when I hopped (yes, still doing the bunny hop) into the kitchen, there was a mountain of dishes and pans, waiting to be washed.

So I pulled a chair over to the sink, bent my knee and used the chair to balance myself, so I could at least make a little headway on the cleanup task. It was awkward, but not painful, and I was very proud of myself for improvising a way to help with such an ugly chore. My nephew seemed very appreciative of my effort.

A lot of times we could be doing more for others, but we see the mountain of need out there, and don't think we are capable of making a difference. With a little thoughtful prayer about it though, we might be able to devise a way to help. It may be awkward, not very effective, and a little unconventional, but it might very well be just the amount of encouragement someone else needs to come in and finish up the work.

After all, isn't this how the various ministries of the church are supposed to work? The church family working together can accomplish much.

Caregiving for the Caregiver

Being laid up with what I'm assuming is a fractured ankle/foot has given me a whole new appreciation of mobility. Hobbling on one foot wouldn't be so bad for some people, except my circumstances are a little sacrificed to begin with. My scoliosis isn't making this any easier. I'm worried for one thing about pneumonia with my restrictive lungs, since I'm only on my second week with a cold. Plus my back is starting to feel some pain when I use the walker. This is putting alot of stress on a back that had a total spinal fusion 48 years ago.

Dean has been a sweetheart though with all his seeking and fetching activities. He realizes how I waited on him so long after his foot injuries last summer. Well, actually I've made it a point to remind him on occasion; but he knows. Reminding is our middle name around here with his memory problems. I soon learned not to give him a list of things to do for me. He has to get the instructions one at a time. He will come back and forth with his fetching anyway just to ask what else I wanted. So, we're just keeping it simple.

Others are helping out too. There are some things I have to get my in-house nephew to do. Things that would be too much of a challenge for Dean, like lowering Dean's walker to fit my short stature. Plus my daughter and son-in-law have been called in for shopping duties and to get Dean out of the house for a spell. I am really blessed to have my loved ones around.

God didn't intend for his creatures to live alone. He knew all along that we would need each other at each stage of life. But mostly He created us to need Him. The biggest handicap in life for me would be not to realize that plain and simple fact: we NEED Him. But out of love, it's still a choice--to do life on our own or with His help. With His help, I'm given hope that all this is part of a glorious plan. The final outcome is what counts. Even my loving family can't give that priceless commodity. Hope.

Cousin Connection

I spent some special time with my cousins this evening. Three of my female cousins and I met and had dinner together. Later, it was so much fun looking through an old family album and recognizing our parents and aunts and uncles and other cousins. The album belonged to my parents, and it was nice to have them identify some of the people I wasn't sure about and share stories about when the photos were taken.

Having lost both my parents fairly close together in time, it has sometimes felt like I was floating adrift in a boat, without an oar or anything to steer with. Connecting with family members like this gives me a comforting, secure feeling that gives me direction in life again. Life can go on without my parents, even though it will never be the same.

Life changes for all of us, but that's O.K. It even happened to Jesus. One day He was working in His father's carpentry shop and the next day He was getting baptized and starting His ministry. Even that came to an abrupt end, when they crucified Him just three short years later. Mary's head must have been in a whirl, as she was one who saw Him through all these life experiences. How adrift she must have felt too. I'm sure she drew comfort from the disciples--much as I did from my cousins tonight.