Home Alone

A preliminary assessment with a small monitor that Dean wore at home one night led to a decision for a complete sleep study to check his breathing while he slept, which meant a possible diagnosis of sleep apnea.

When they called me to schedule it at one of the sleep clinics here in town, I asked numerous questions about their setup and procedures out of concern for Dean's peculiar night-time needs. When I described his fall risk and symptoms of dementia, she determined that a hospital setting might be warranted for his safety.

So after four emergency room visits last month between the two of us (see my previous post), when each time a hospital stay seemed quite possible, Dean finally earned his hospital stay just to monitor his nighttime sleeping habits! And it wasn't even through the emergency room!

I wasn't about to complain though. It would mean a night of freedom for me, and since it was in the hospital, that also meant freedom from worry. On the way home, after dropping him off at the hospital in the evening, I thought about how to celebrate my night alone. Should I go shopping, eat at a restaurant, go see a friend?

But then I thought, no, I'll just go home and enjoy my freedom there. It would be a night of relaxation. I would choose a DVD to watch, without haggling over the choice with someone and having to pause it every time that person got up to leave the room. I would leave lights on in rooms I left, without having to go back and turn them off if I forgot. I would leave the toilet seat up or down as I pleased, and not even change the toilet paper roll immediately when it ran out. I might not even pick up after myself. My purse and keys would remain ON the table, instead of under it out of sight.

The evening was sounding more and more inviting. Only occasionally did I harbor thoughts of how Dean was faring at the hospital. Or how the hospital staff was faring with him there.

It wasn't until I got home with him the next morning that I learned that perhaps he was not enjoying his night away as much as I was. When I got there he seemed perfectly happy, feasting on his second pastry and downing a glass of orange juice.

The truth came out in the answering machine messages that awaited me when I got home. Three times he had called and told me that I could come and get him any time. He sounded rather desperate to get home, so it was good I got there when I did.

Evidently they had tried a C-PAP on him during the night, when he showed signs of needing one to see if it would make a difference. He said his nose felt like it was burning, with all that air blowing in there. Oh, my, I hope we can resolve this and find the best overall solution if he does have sleep apnea. I'm trying not to think about it.

Those messages on our answering machine still play in my mind though. I too am anxious to go home...home to heaven, where true rest and relaxation exists for an eternity, and not just a brief night while our loved ones struggle somewhere else. Help me not to lose my zeal for that homecoming called The Second Coming. "This world is not my home..."

Getting Over the Sleepover

Last night we kept our granddaughters for a "sleepover". It worked quite well until the sleep was over--about 3 a.m. Even though they obediently tried to go back to their makeshift bed of sofa cushions out in the living room and go back to sleep, it just didn't happen. They stayed in the living room, but it seems little sister was a jabbering fool, not allowing sleep to come for her five-year-old sister.

Grandpa couldn't wait to fix their Sunday morning pancakes though, so he went out at 4:30 to start their breakfast. I, of course, went out as needed for my mediation services. There were only a couple of outbursts (by Grandpa, of course), but none of us got any more sleep after that. (Good thing we had all retired shortly after nine the previous night.)

My daughter called to tell me she was coming to pick them up and offered to take Grandpa for an outing, just her and the girls, to give me a break this morning.

Just before they headed out the door, I mentioned that they hadn't had any sleep since 3 a.m. A temporary look of fear swept over her face, but she was locked in. So I have the house to myself. And she has, well, let's just say I hope she survives.

God gives mothers and grandmothers the patience of saints. Heaven knows we need it.

Sleepless Nights

Some nights I have a hard time sleeping, and there are other nights when Dean can't sleep. There seems to be a change though after thirty-plus years of marriage. We don't usually keep each other awake when this happens. I can turn my light on to read, get up several times, but Dean doesn't skip a snore. And likewise, he can have trouble sleeping and go out to the living room recliner for several hours before I even know he's gone from bed.

There was one period that I was super vigilant about his getting up in the middle of the night here recently though, and that's when he was having a hard time on one of his medicines and had a lot of mental confusion and vivid dreams. As much as it took away from my sleep, I was usually able to wake up several times when he did in the night, wanting to be there to reassure him and let him know that "it was just a dream." It reminded me of parents when there's a new baby in the house. Suddenly young adults, who could sleep through a tornado siren, can hear their baby's slightest whimper.

I got to wondering if God isn't like that with us. How close and attuned He is to us when we're the most needy. Even though I'd like to think that God is intimately close all the time, I think He has the ability to make that relationship even more rich and comforting, when we're in our darkest hours. No matter what happens, no matter how hard life gets, God can be trusted to be there for us, assuring us that "it's just for a little while."

Close Buddies

As I look over the past week, the past few days actually, I've noticed an improvement in the "dream" area. Dean hasn't been living his dreams, like he was there for awhile. It's been nice not to have to worry about him waking up, ready to act out whatever he was dreaming about. I like it when he knows who I am in the morning.

It may have been the last medicine we stopped entirely. It was only a pill we split in half, but it must have made some kind of difference. He also went to Easterday (his adult day program) on both of his scheduled days last week. Much to my enjoyment.

He's still taking quite long naps, like five or six hours, as opposed to eight or nine. And occasionally getting up in the middle of the night and not going back to sleep for several hours. A problem I've had myself recently. Maybe it's the weather.

One thing I have to share that just happened early this morning. Out of the blue, it seemed in his sleep as we both lay in bed (I was lying there awake, trying to go back to sleep myself), Dean said a very brief and heartfelt prayer to God. It was so sweet and I just felt God's presence in the room. Usually his prayers of late have been very long, slurred, and repetitive. But this one was just as clear as a bell.

What a blessing it is to have the Holy Spirit convey our prayers to God. He does all the translating for us, even when we are at a total loss for words. I do believe it will be easier for me to trust Dean to God's care today. I know they are still close buddies.

Dean's new lift recliner (it seems to do more reclining than lifting these days)

Effortless Work

I should be enjoying the freedom of Dean sleeping so much around here. When I mentioned his recent sleep patterns to another caregiver recently, she even commented that it must be nice not to have him up and around as much [the annoyance factor--she lives with it too].

While it's true that I have less behavior issues to deal with, I still feel pretty tied down to the homestead, because I worry about him when he does wake up and feels so disoriented. I went from being alarmed and then amused by some of his comments when he wakes up. Now I barely pay them any mind, after giving a quietly diplomatic and neutral reply.

His standard questions range from "Where have you been?" to "Where have I been?" Quite frequently he tells me where he's been though. So far he's chopped us enough lumber for a big woodpile in our yard, dug ditches with a crew of young guys (he was doing most of the work, trying to teach them), built a race car that almost beat the land speed record. So, he's a busy man...while he's sleeping. *wink*

Reminds me of the effortless way we'll be able to accomplish tasks when we get to heaven. Like doing them in our sleep. *sigh*

Our Most Holy Brain

Two days ago after Dean's bath aide and nurse left the house, he questioned his memory by asking me if that was his nurse Carol who just left. I gently corrected him with Carla's name. He has had Carla come to the house every week for over a year now and still has trouble remembering her name before, during, and after her visits.

Imagine my surprise and shock when Dean left the doctor's office yesterday by shaking hands and saying "Good-bye, Cori" to the young man who was shadowing his doctor. They had just been introduced once at the beginning of our session. Was it a "white-coat" syndrome? Or just a fluke? I had to smile.

With Dean's array of symptoms lately, mostly involving sleep, appetite, and memory, he's proving to be quite the medical challenge for his doctors. As a matter of fact, the psychiatrist yesterday said he wants to research the medicines out there for what would be best for Dean.

The doctor did ask if it was possible to manage his diet better. I almost laughed. My full-time occupation is managing his diet. We mostly try to have regular, healthy meals, but Dean is just hungry all the time. I mean literally all the time. And with his memory getting worse, he asks for another meal, almost as soon as he's up from the table. I have been welcoming the end of the month when our cupboards are almost bare. At least then I can honestly say, there's nothing to eat.

And then there's his sleep habits lately. I would have thought that going to his day program yesterday and staying awake all day would have meant a good night's sleep and getting back to a healthy day and night pattern of sleep. But here he is sleeping the day away again. Barely staying awake long enough to eat his meals. One day I tried three times when his Meal on Wheels arrived to get him up to eat at noon. If he's maintaining his weight, we can thank his new sleep habits. Except he's missing out on exercise through inactivity too, so muscle weakness is also a concern.

I'm not sure what the doctors can do, if anything, to fix these medical problems for Dean. Our bodies, as we age, are deteriorating. There's no stopping the natural process of life and death.

But Dean illustrates to me just how important our brain is to our overall health. If our bodies are considered the temple of God, then surely the brain must be the Most Holy Place in that temple. We communicate to God through our thoughts, our brains. He resides there as surely as His glory shone above the ark of the covenant. Today and each day, I must be careful not to defile it.

A Trip to the Grocery Store

Dean has bounced all over the map the last couple of weeks when it comes to his health. He's gone from getting almost no sleep to sleeping way too much, from having an appetite that asks for food almost as soon as he gets up from the table to sleeping through breakfast and lunch and not requiring much food in between.

His hunger seems to have returned somewhat, but I have tried earnestly to satisfy it today with anti-diarrhea foods. Need I say more. We think the diarrhea is a side effect of his new medicine. But it makes it even more challenging to come up with something for him to eat when there are certain foods he should avoid and others that he should eat. I had to make a trip to the grocery store to get stocked up on the right foods. Now, to convince him of my choices.

This old earth isn't so healthy either. I need to remember that there are certain activities that I should avoid if I want to stay away from the sins that are messing up our world so much. But there are also lots of activities that I can enjoy that will keep me from being sin-sick. Fortunately, a visit to my Bible tonight can help me stock up on what I need.

That BIG Tractor

I almost hate to write about Dean's pills again, but it is the all-consuming thing in my life right now. Instead of being awake all night, now he's sleeping night and day. He slept through breakfast. But it blew me away when he wouldn't wake up when his Meal on Wheels arrived. It was time to try and reach his doctors and nurses on the phone again.

He got up an hour or so later though, ate lunch, and then I had him help sign some Christmas cards, just so he wouldn't go right back to bed. The notes he wrote on them were a bit undecipherable, but I got a laugh, hearing him read one out loud as he was writing it. He was reminding someone about the big tractor that ran over him. "I mean it was a big, Big, BIG tractor," he wrote. Just comical how he said it.

At least I did have two small accomplishments today, since I seemed to be a failure at trying to talk to anyone about his pills. I got some Christmas cards ready to mail, and I gave the dog a bath.

Jesus gives me small spiritual victories too, even while there's these big, Big, BIG ones out there waiting for me to tackle. I'm not in the battle alone, even though it feels like it some days when no one seems to return my calls. I'll just "make do".

Sleep at Last

Dean finally got a full night's sleep last night. But it wouldn't have happened had I not called the home health agency and had the on-call nurse come to check him out yesterday. Hated to do it on the weekend, but in addition to sleeplessness, he has been having a lot of mental confusion.

The nurse checked his vitals and after getting the doctor paged, we were instructed to reinstate the medicine that we were trying to get him off of. I know. None of it makes sense, but we will see him in his office this Friday, so perhaps we'll solve this dilemma by then. I'm just happy that he is finally getting some much needed sleep.

The nurse did have some good affirmation for me though. She said when she talked to our regular nurse on the phone before coming over, she was told that she'd better stop for a visit, because I wouldn't have called unless there was a good reason. It was nice to hear that I'm taken seriously when it comes to Dean's care.

I try to stay on top of things, but haven't always been successful in the past. That's why I know that God is really the one to get credit for anything good that comes from my decisions. God is the One we should all take seriously. When He says come, we should go.

Pill Plethora

Dean's medicine regimen has become somewhat of a nightmare lately. We saw his psychiatrist a few days ago and he is concerned about Dean's weight gain recently. Honestly, I'm getting tired of re-attaching his suspenders which keep popping off. Since we know which medicine is most to blame for his added girth, he thinks it wise to wean him off of it and try something else.

Unfortunately, this has been very upsetting to his sleep schedule. The second night he was up about every hour or so. Without medicines, Dean would never sleep, due to his brain injury, so in addition to decreasing his agitation and impulsiveness during the day, some of the medicines are there just to allow him to sleep at night.

But then we got a call from the home health nurse saying that due to his increased blood pressure readings this month, his primary care doctor wants to increase the blood pressure medicine he's currently taking. This is really throwing a monkey wrench in everything, because the blood pressure medicine can cause weight gain too, and even memory loss and disorientation. Do we really want him to have more of that?

So I am really waiting to hear what both doctors decide. I give them my input, but know that they will probably have the final word on what we end up doing. There are many options and I am just here to make sure they look at all of them.

In a way we have the final word on our salvation. God can present me with all the options, but it is up to me to decide my eternal destiny. Wow, it feels good to be on par with the doctors for once.

God Blesses

We have taken another recliner into our home and it has passed the sleep test. God is so good. Dean fell asleep in the "new" chair today and I am so relieved that it has worked out so well for him. The recliner he was sitting in was in pretty sad shape. But I didn't know how I would ever afford a different one.

It wasn't just that the old chair looked bad or was uncomfortable for him to sit in. It had gotten to where it stayed in the reclining position and he could hardly get himself out of it. He'd give himself a good heave and ho, if no one was there to give him a hand, and he'd finally stand up. But he'd sway back and forth like a reed in the wind, well, make that a big tree, until he could get his balance and move forward. I would hold my breath every time, afraid he'd have another fall.

It was a coincidence, or rather providence, that the picture of the old recliner that I put on Facebook got noticed by someone who told someone else about it, who both just happened to be at a meeting we were attending. This new chair was graciously donated and I am so grateful. It was a real Godsend for us. And an indicator to me that when God gets His tithe, He will bless the 90% left so much that you won't even miss it. We have seen it time and time again.

Thank you, friend, for allowing God to use you in blessing our 90%.

Dean in the new chair--doesn't he look comfy?!

the old chair--it's had better days...

In Our Dreams

Last night I was too tired to blog after babysitting late for the grandgirls, but I just have to report what happened this morning when I got up and walked into the kitchen. Dean was sitting there at the kitchen table reading his library book, but here was the kicker: he was fully dressed in his jeans, shirt, street shoes, and cap!

This may not sound newsworthy, but it is the first time I have seen him dressed completely without assistance for about a year now. When I asked how this amazing feat happened, he said that I had told him to wake up about an hour before and get dressed for his day program. (Obviously, one of his dreams that are too real, at least in his mind. He's had them now and then over the years since his brain injury.)

When I asked how he was able to get dressed all by himself, he just said it was HARD! And he added he was mad at me the whole time he was accomplishing it.

Not unlike the way I feel about God sometimes for making me do things I don't think I can do by myself. When pressed, I suppose all of us can do things we never thought we could do on our own. God is never far away though. Just like I was right there sleeping in the same house, all the while Dean was struggling to get dressed.

And now he's asking me to fix his breakfast. I wish I could tell him in a dream to do it himself. Hmmm...

Chore or Ritual

Our topic for discussion tonight at our brain injury support group was sleep. It seems that we all have different sleep habits and strategies for getting a good night's sleep. Sleeping well has a positive impact on our overall physical and mental health, and is especially needed for brain injury survivors and their caregivers. Put simply, it just makes you feel good.

One thing we talked about was what you do just prior to sleeping. My bedtime chore, since I've been on oxygen, consists of setting up my Bi-PAP machine. Filling the humidifier with distilled water, attaching the hose and oxygen tubing, turning on the oxygen concentrator, putting on the face mask, and finally turning the machine on. All that activity was not conducive to sleep, believe me. And I hated it.

But then last year, a nurse introduced me to a new face mask with a design that allowed me to wear my glasses, rather clumsily, so I could read myself to sleep with the mask and machine already on. For five years, I had missed falling asleep reading a book. Now I don't mind the Bi-PAP setup nearly as much. Instead of a chore, it's just my regular bedtime ritual or routine, a positive strategy to getting a good night's sleep.

It's amazing how the same activity can be perceived in a totally different way, simply by my attitude about it. God is the same way. Some think that anything to do with religion and God is not to be desired. That serving God, attending church, witnessing to our friends and neighbors, or having a personal devotional life are hated chores. But when seen through the lens of love for God, the same things are beloved activities that we cherish and adore.

Knowing and loving God is just like a good night's sleep. It just makes you feel good. Your attitude is what counts. Cultivate a loving one.

Double Dose

Last night I woke up around 2 a.m. and couldn't, for the life of me, get back to sleep. I laid there about an hour, then checked my blood pressure to see if it was running high--that sometimes keeps me awake. It wasn't high, so I decided a bite to eat might help me sleep. While I was waiting for the toaster, I took Dean's pill organizer off the microwave, as I'm accustomed to doing several times a day, and was shocked to see that he had already taken his morning pills! How terrifying to think that he must have double dosed himself earlier that night. As I went back to bed, after checking up on Dean to see if he was still breathing, all I could do was praise God for leading me to the pill organizer the way He did.

The nurse told me this morning that Dean may have more confusion and dementia symptoms for a few days following a trip like we had, but now I know to keep a much closer eye on his pills. What a wonderful God we have to keep me awake until I discovered what had happened.

Psalms 121:4 says "Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep." What a comfort to know He's always there.

Don't Wait

I've done it again. I've waited so late that I know once I get started on this blog, I will be getting too sleepy to finish it.

So, I'll get right to the point. Don't procrastinate. Always do the hard, important stuff first. It's much easier to read others blogs and Facebook posts than to write my own, but it's also important for me to get a daily blog written. Tonight I made the mistake of doing it backwards.

That's the way some people live their whole lives. Instead of making a total surrender to God early, when God can really use them in His service longer, they wait till their life is almost over before they concentrate on their spiritual health. Unfortunately, we aren't always given the luxury of a long life, in order to make the commitments to God and have the relationship with Him that would help us survive this life and live it to the fullest.

Give your life to Him now, or you will have a hard time staying awake and getting it done later.

Which is why this blog is finished for the night. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

The Battle of Sleep

Last night's blog was so difficult to write, as I kept falling asleep and just couldn't concentrate on the words. It led me to the conclusion that sleep isn't conducive to good, clear thinking. Fighting sleep is a losing battle, and one I'm not anxious to try again.

Today I've been thinking of sleep in the Bible. The seventh and final Laodicean church spoken of in Revelation, chapter three, was lukewarm, but it was no doubt asleep too. That's why they didn't know that they were wretched, miserable, poor, blind, and naked. The parable of the ten virgins found them all asleep, just before the bridegroom came. Then I thought of the disciples, who were asked by Jesus to stay awake and pray with Him. They just couldn't keep their eyes open. And right before their Lord would be leaving them for Calvary.

How vital it is that we stay awake in these closing hours of earth's history. We need all our mental faculties for the battle ahead. The Holy Spirit is the wakening agent that will pull us through whatever events await us. Pray for it every day and you can win the battle.

Our Only Hope

We were given some sad news today. Dean's brother was killed in a truck and trailer accident near Salt Lake City, where he hauled hay and spuds back and forth to Idaho. He is the first of our siblings for us to lose, only 62 years old, and it just seems surreal. It just doesn't seem fair when you don't have a chance to say good-bye. Since we lived so many miles apart and didn't have daily communication with him, the loss will be easier for us. But I know his wife is going to need an enormous amount of strength in the days ahead.

The main comfort we have is that we shared the same faith in God. And because of this we have high hopes that we will see him someday in heaven. "Behold, I show you a mystery; We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed...at the last trump..." I Cor. 15 Even so, come, Lord Jesus!

Sleep Comes Too Soon

After two days at home, I was thrilled to have an excuse to go somewhere tonight, especially since it was by myself. Even though the weather was frigidly cold, I felt it was worth it to get out of the house and away from my caregiving duties for an hour or so. The event was just a committee meeting at church, but still a welcome reprieve.

Now that I'm home to write this blog, however, my mind keeps falling asleep. Nothing noteworthy even comes to mind to write about. When the body's tired, the brain just can't help itself, I guess.

I think of the disciples who were with Jesus as He prayed in the Garden. They couldn't stay awake either. An overpowering urge to sleep caused them to disappoint their Master that night. Jesus is calling us to watch and wait with Him once again. We are reaching the final moments of earth's history, and we must be not be caught without prayer.

So, since I can barely finish typing this blog tonight, Lord, please don't let me fall asleep without praying one final time today. I try to have my final thought and my first thought in the morning be of Jesus. And somehow He finds Himself in the middle too. Jesus all day, for He is the Way.

The Gift of Love

Christmas Eve and like children all over the world, I am having a hard time falling back to sleep. It's not the excitement of presents in the morning, because we had our family gathering and gift sharing earlier this evening and my daughter's family have left for home hours ago.

I think it's mostly just thoughts and prayers for our family that keep me awake tonight. Granted, I probably have physical insomnia issues (like with the meds I'm on), but I try to use this non-sleep as a time of meditation and prayer for loved ones anyway.

Do our loved ones know how much we do care about them? If the current holiday season serves no other purpose than to connect us with loving ties to those we care about in our lives, it will be well worth the commercial hoopla, even if Jesus' name was never heard. For God is love... Let's share love this Christmas, or whatever you call the time of year. It's the only gift worth giving or receiving. Let it come with each package you open or wrap.