Sleepless Nights

Some nights I have a hard time sleeping, and there are other nights when Dean can't sleep. There seems to be a change though after thirty-plus years of marriage. We don't usually keep each other awake when this happens. I can turn my light on to read, get up several times, but Dean doesn't skip a snore. And likewise, he can have trouble sleeping and go out to the living room recliner for several hours before I even know he's gone from bed.

There was one period that I was super vigilant about his getting up in the middle of the night here recently though, and that's when he was having a hard time on one of his medicines and had a lot of mental confusion and vivid dreams. As much as it took away from my sleep, I was usually able to wake up several times when he did in the night, wanting to be there to reassure him and let him know that "it was just a dream." It reminded me of parents when there's a new baby in the house. Suddenly young adults, who could sleep through a tornado siren, can hear their baby's slightest whimper.

I got to wondering if God isn't like that with us. How close and attuned He is to us when we're the most needy. Even though I'd like to think that God is intimately close all the time, I think He has the ability to make that relationship even more rich and comforting, when we're in our darkest hours. No matter what happens, no matter how hard life gets, God can be trusted to be there for us, assuring us that "it's just for a little while."

Holding on to Holding Hands

Once again, I went to church alone today. It does seem different without my husband sitting by my side. When we pray, Dean used to reach over to hold my hand and of course, I miss that. That and his booming voice during the hymn singing. There even seems to be less Amens without Dean's fervent ones ringing out. Church just isn't the same without him. Even though for some, it might be less scary, and for me, less stressful, due to his dementia.

Years ago when Dean and I were talking about our engagement while I was in college, I mentioned to him that his proposal was such a surprise to me because, up to that point, he hadn't even held my hand. He reminded me that he most certainly had held hands with me. It was during prayer! Well, who would have thought that would have counted? I stood corrected.

Thirty-six years ago I married this wild cowboy from Idaho. His hands were calloused and so masculine back then. I did remember holding hands the first time we went to church after his accident twelve years ago. When I took his hand during prayer that day, I noticed how soft and smooth it was, and almost cried. It was like holding the hand of a stranger.

The cowboy had changed. But he's still pretty wild. And I'm still glad I married him.

Our Caregiver Spouse

Today we had a home visit from my husband's services coordinator from Aging Partners, as our local agency on aging is called. I went over the many papers specifying what help he was getting and from whom. Repeatedly, I, the spouse, was listed as his provider, and commented that I'd forgotten just how much I was doing for his care. Basically, I'm his primary caregiver, and all the others are just supporting staff to make it possible to have him at home.

Sadly enough though, I'm the only service provider who isn't paid. And only because I'm his spouse. Evidently, those vows we take at our weddings are taken pretty seriously by the public. We are expected to take care of our loved ones, in sickness and in health, for better or worse, but without pay. At least pay of the dollar bill variety.

I am paid in ways that can't be tallied though. Just to be married to the same man for 35 years is a kind of reward. The sense that I truly make the difference in at least one person's life is another valuable bonus. The everyday challenges of making this household run, from the doctor's appointments to how to buy my next set of car tires, give me a feeling of being inventive and competent. But most of all, they prompt me to go to the real Source of my competency, our Lord and Savior. Now there's a Spouse we can depend on, the Caregiver of the caregiver. And His services are free too.