Sleepless Nights

Some nights I have a hard time sleeping, and there are other nights when Dean can't sleep. There seems to be a change though after thirty-plus years of marriage. We don't usually keep each other awake when this happens. I can turn my light on to read, get up several times, but Dean doesn't skip a snore. And likewise, he can have trouble sleeping and go out to the living room recliner for several hours before I even know he's gone from bed.

There was one period that I was super vigilant about his getting up in the middle of the night here recently though, and that's when he was having a hard time on one of his medicines and had a lot of mental confusion and vivid dreams. As much as it took away from my sleep, I was usually able to wake up several times when he did in the night, wanting to be there to reassure him and let him know that "it was just a dream." It reminded me of parents when there's a new baby in the house. Suddenly young adults, who could sleep through a tornado siren, can hear their baby's slightest whimper.

I got to wondering if God isn't like that with us. How close and attuned He is to us when we're the most needy. Even though I'd like to think that God is intimately close all the time, I think He has the ability to make that relationship even more rich and comforting, when we're in our darkest hours. No matter what happens, no matter how hard life gets, God can be trusted to be there for us, assuring us that "it's just for a little while."

Hunger Pangs

So, we cut one of Dean's medications in half, in hopes of it harnessing some of his weight gain. His appetite seems to know no bounds these days, but I have to say it hasn't improved since the change. I'm thinking his raging hunger is also due to his brain injury. If he sees food, he will eat it these days.

I have to be super vigilant with grocery shopping. All junk foods are out. Even if it's a healthy snack food, I can't have it around unless it's something that's low in calories, like fresh grapes or bananas. Those are the kinds of things I push for his snacking.

I also have to watch my leftovers. As soon as I feel we've both had enough supper, I have to whisk the food away to the fridge and hopefully hide it, before he "finishes it off". Yesterday I fixed him some of his favorite foods for supper (to make amends for turning down his pleas to go buy ice cream the last two days).

I got detoured on my computer after eating supper, and he comes in the bedroom and announces that he had finished off the scalloped potatoes. I panicked because I had made a really large casserole of this particular entree that he likes so well.

I raced into the kitchen to see how much was actually left and was relieved to see that he hadn't eaten it all the way down yet. But almost. Rather scary stuff. It immediately got stored on the top shelf of the refrigerator. It seems the top and bottom storage areas are the ones he notices the least, so I reserve them for foods he should stay away from.

Lord, please do that with all my temptations. I know you can't eliminate all of them, but put them where I won't be as apt to see them. You can store my impatience and worry on the top shelf somewhere. And please hide that pride somewhere down in the lower bins, way in the back.

There's actually some potatoes left in this 2 qt. casserole dish. Can't believe the two of us ate this much!

Caregiver Guilt

It's been a difficult week and month. First, my mother's only sister passed away in California, bringing many flashes of mom's final illness and death in 2010. I can't imagine the recent pain of my niece and her husband as they dealt with all the caregiving and final arrangements without the support of siblings. They are to be commended for their brave decisions and actions these last terribly busy weeks. I pray for comfort in their grief as they try to take up their normal duties at home now.

Besides all the feelings that came with my aunt's passing, I've also been trying to ignore my own feelings of guilt. There, I've said it. It's definitely guilt. I feel guilty for not being happy over Dean's improvement in health since we stopped one of his medicines.

The simple fact is that he was much easier to care for when he was sleeping most of the day and wasn't having any emotional outbursts. Sure, he was having vivid dreams and even hallucinations, and had much more memory loss. His overall health and strength seemed to be slipping away. I was terribly worried about him and it took a second opinion of another specialist to pinpoint what the problem was.

But now that he's back to his ol' ornery self, I find myself wistfully wanting him back in "la-la land". It's a selfish wish for sure, but if I totally come clean and confess, maybe I can quit feeling sorry for myself. There are joys in this difficult task of caregiving. I just have to look for them again.

Taken this Easter Sunday, at our in-laws' church...a joyful occasion!

Close Buddies

As I look over the past week, the past few days actually, I've noticed an improvement in the "dream" area. Dean hasn't been living his dreams, like he was there for awhile. It's been nice not to have to worry about him waking up, ready to act out whatever he was dreaming about. I like it when he knows who I am in the morning.

It may have been the last medicine we stopped entirely. It was only a pill we split in half, but it must have made some kind of difference. He also went to Easterday (his adult day program) on both of his scheduled days last week. Much to my enjoyment.

He's still taking quite long naps, like five or six hours, as opposed to eight or nine. And occasionally getting up in the middle of the night and not going back to sleep for several hours. A problem I've had myself recently. Maybe it's the weather.

One thing I have to share that just happened early this morning. Out of the blue, it seemed in his sleep as we both lay in bed (I was lying there awake, trying to go back to sleep myself), Dean said a very brief and heartfelt prayer to God. It was so sweet and I just felt God's presence in the room. Usually his prayers of late have been very long, slurred, and repetitive. But this one was just as clear as a bell.

What a blessing it is to have the Holy Spirit convey our prayers to God. He does all the translating for us, even when we are at a total loss for words. I do believe it will be easier for me to trust Dean to God's care today. I know they are still close buddies.

Dean's new lift recliner (it seems to do more reclining than lifting these days)

Sleeping the Day Away

I want so much to report on Dean's health condition and say that the puzzle has been solved, but I'm afraid that might be a bit premature. He's still sleeping an enormous portion of his days away, but is awake several hours during the night. There is just nothing I can do to make him stay awake during the day or to make him go back to bed at night.

We went to the doctor's Thursday, and after urine and blood tests, we still don't have a clue as to what's going on with Dean and why he's showing such magnified symptoms. The symptoms aren't new, but they certainly are increased in just the last couple of weeks. We're adjusting the dosage of a couple of medicines that might help.

I stayed home from church because I don't feel comfortable leaving him for even a little while any more. He is so disoriented and confused when he is awake. Especially when he first gets up.

Another picture puzzle is being worked out on my dining room table. But the biggest puzzle of all is once again napping his day away in his recliner. Our daughter and the two granddaughters came over, but even they could not keep him awake more than a few minutes.

I'm sure God must be puzzled over a lot of His beloved children too. He tries for years to wake them up from their spiritual lethargy. We Christians sleep our way into spiritual lukewarmness. I pray God will not only wake me up, but that I can stay awake as long as time allows me on this earth and that I can serve Him to the fullest right up to my dying breath.

One of the few times he's been awake!

Our Most Holy Brain

Two days ago after Dean's bath aide and nurse left the house, he questioned his memory by asking me if that was his nurse Carol who just left. I gently corrected him with Carla's name. He has had Carla come to the house every week for over a year now and still has trouble remembering her name before, during, and after her visits.

Imagine my surprise and shock when Dean left the doctor's office yesterday by shaking hands and saying "Good-bye, Cori" to the young man who was shadowing his doctor. They had just been introduced once at the beginning of our session. Was it a "white-coat" syndrome? Or just a fluke? I had to smile.

With Dean's array of symptoms lately, mostly involving sleep, appetite, and memory, he's proving to be quite the medical challenge for his doctors. As a matter of fact, the psychiatrist yesterday said he wants to research the medicines out there for what would be best for Dean.

The doctor did ask if it was possible to manage his diet better. I almost laughed. My full-time occupation is managing his diet. We mostly try to have regular, healthy meals, but Dean is just hungry all the time. I mean literally all the time. And with his memory getting worse, he asks for another meal, almost as soon as he's up from the table. I have been welcoming the end of the month when our cupboards are almost bare. At least then I can honestly say, there's nothing to eat.

And then there's his sleep habits lately. I would have thought that going to his day program yesterday and staying awake all day would have meant a good night's sleep and getting back to a healthy day and night pattern of sleep. But here he is sleeping the day away again. Barely staying awake long enough to eat his meals. One day I tried three times when his Meal on Wheels arrived to get him up to eat at noon. If he's maintaining his weight, we can thank his new sleep habits. Except he's missing out on exercise through inactivity too, so muscle weakness is also a concern.

I'm not sure what the doctors can do, if anything, to fix these medical problems for Dean. Our bodies, as we age, are deteriorating. There's no stopping the natural process of life and death.

But Dean illustrates to me just how important our brain is to our overall health. If our bodies are considered the temple of God, then surely the brain must be the Most Holy Place in that temple. We communicate to God through our thoughts, our brains. He resides there as surely as His glory shone above the ark of the covenant. Today and each day, I must be careful not to defile it.

Spinning Tires

As always, with the first, fresh snow on our streets, I joined the many cars today who found themselves spinning their tires and not getting enough traction to make it out into the intersection after stopping. At least not with the first try. One is forced to rock back and forth, going from drive to reverse, turning the front tires different directions, in embarrassing attempts to grab onto something that allows you to move forward with the traffic.

That's kind of how my whole week has felt. The challenges of Dean's medicines, their side effects versus their benefits, getting his lift chair approved, searching the internet, playing phone tag with doctors, nurses, the pharmacist, the medical supply store, and not really getting anywhere. I feel like I just can't get any traction and get myself out of this slippery slide of caregiving.

But thankfully, tonight is the beginning of the Sabbath. A whole day designed to help me get some traction and move on with my life with a renewed sense of purpose and gratitude. When the Sabbath is done, I'll feel a sense of relief once again. Just like it felt when I finally got into the intersection today and started moving toward my destination. And it especially feels good when your destination is heaven.

A Trip to the Grocery Store

Dean has bounced all over the map the last couple of weeks when it comes to his health. He's gone from getting almost no sleep to sleeping way too much, from having an appetite that asks for food almost as soon as he gets up from the table to sleeping through breakfast and lunch and not requiring much food in between.

His hunger seems to have returned somewhat, but I have tried earnestly to satisfy it today with anti-diarrhea foods. Need I say more. We think the diarrhea is a side effect of his new medicine. But it makes it even more challenging to come up with something for him to eat when there are certain foods he should avoid and others that he should eat. I had to make a trip to the grocery store to get stocked up on the right foods. Now, to convince him of my choices.

This old earth isn't so healthy either. I need to remember that there are certain activities that I should avoid if I want to stay away from the sins that are messing up our world so much. But there are also lots of activities that I can enjoy that will keep me from being sin-sick. Fortunately, a visit to my Bible tonight can help me stock up on what I need.

That BIG Tractor

I almost hate to write about Dean's pills again, but it is the all-consuming thing in my life right now. Instead of being awake all night, now he's sleeping night and day. He slept through breakfast. But it blew me away when he wouldn't wake up when his Meal on Wheels arrived. It was time to try and reach his doctors and nurses on the phone again.

He got up an hour or so later though, ate lunch, and then I had him help sign some Christmas cards, just so he wouldn't go right back to bed. The notes he wrote on them were a bit undecipherable, but I got a laugh, hearing him read one out loud as he was writing it. He was reminding someone about the big tractor that ran over him. "I mean it was a big, Big, BIG tractor," he wrote. Just comical how he said it.

At least I did have two small accomplishments today, since I seemed to be a failure at trying to talk to anyone about his pills. I got some Christmas cards ready to mail, and I gave the dog a bath.

Jesus gives me small spiritual victories too, even while there's these big, Big, BIG ones out there waiting for me to tackle. I'm not in the battle alone, even though it feels like it some days when no one seems to return my calls. I'll just "make do".

Sleep at Last

Dean finally got a full night's sleep last night. But it wouldn't have happened had I not called the home health agency and had the on-call nurse come to check him out yesterday. Hated to do it on the weekend, but in addition to sleeplessness, he has been having a lot of mental confusion.

The nurse checked his vitals and after getting the doctor paged, we were instructed to reinstate the medicine that we were trying to get him off of. I know. None of it makes sense, but we will see him in his office this Friday, so perhaps we'll solve this dilemma by then. I'm just happy that he is finally getting some much needed sleep.

The nurse did have some good affirmation for me though. She said when she talked to our regular nurse on the phone before coming over, she was told that she'd better stop for a visit, because I wouldn't have called unless there was a good reason. It was nice to hear that I'm taken seriously when it comes to Dean's care.

I try to stay on top of things, but haven't always been successful in the past. That's why I know that God is really the one to get credit for anything good that comes from my decisions. God is the One we should all take seriously. When He says come, we should go.

Sleepless Days and Sleepless Nights

Another sleepless night for Dean, even though we doubled one of his antidepressants. I have hidden or disguised as many foods in my kitchen as I can to prevent his foraging them in the middle of the night. So far, we have said good-bye to a box of chocolate-covered cherries, a pizza, and a gallon of ice cream. Nothing is safe from his nightly kitchen raids.

Not sure how we will address all of this, but I'm sure the doctors will get it figured out here before long. Thankfully, Dean's sleeplessness hasn't transferred to more grumpiness during the day. He has been able to doze a lot in his recliner.

I often have wondered whether it's right to keep Dean on so many medications, especially when they will undoubtedly end up shortening his life. But extraordinary conditions sometimes demand extraordinary solutions. And this is confirmed to me whenever we have to tweak his drugs, in order to tweak his behaviors. He is much more manageable to us and happy with himself with his pills.

It's a blur to me what behaviors are brain-injury/dementia-induced, and which ones are due to the powerful psychiatric medicines though. But regardless, I'm glad we have a good geriatric psychiatrist on his case. And our efforts are allowing Dean to have the best quality of life he could have for someone who had a tractor run over his head twelve years ago.

I recently found added confirmation to our treatment plan. This article suggests that many dementia patients can benefit from antipsychotic drugs. Hooray. I feel exonerated.

http://www.comebackearlytoday.com/antipsychotics-dementia-patients-extremely-severe-symptoms-2/

Pill Plethora

Dean's medicine regimen has become somewhat of a nightmare lately. We saw his psychiatrist a few days ago and he is concerned about Dean's weight gain recently. Honestly, I'm getting tired of re-attaching his suspenders which keep popping off. Since we know which medicine is most to blame for his added girth, he thinks it wise to wean him off of it and try something else.

Unfortunately, this has been very upsetting to his sleep schedule. The second night he was up about every hour or so. Without medicines, Dean would never sleep, due to his brain injury, so in addition to decreasing his agitation and impulsiveness during the day, some of the medicines are there just to allow him to sleep at night.

But then we got a call from the home health nurse saying that due to his increased blood pressure readings this month, his primary care doctor wants to increase the blood pressure medicine he's currently taking. This is really throwing a monkey wrench in everything, because the blood pressure medicine can cause weight gain too, and even memory loss and disorientation. Do we really want him to have more of that?

So I am really waiting to hear what both doctors decide. I give them my input, but know that they will probably have the final word on what we end up doing. There are many options and I am just here to make sure they look at all of them.

In a way we have the final word on our salvation. God can present me with all the options, but it is up to me to decide my eternal destiny. Wow, it feels good to be on par with the doctors for once.

Food Hide-and-seek

I have become an expert at food hide-and-seek lately. With Thanksgiving last week and Dean's birthday celebration this past weekend, there are sweet treats hidden all over my house. I have to hide them from Dean, and I'm sure he's been hiding them from me so I don't hide them from him.

As a matter of fact, there is a can of mixed nuts in such a good hiding place that neither of us will find them for quite awhile. Dean, because he doesn't remember that he has them, and me, because I can't remember where I put them. They must be in a very secure location. Either that, or Dean has found them and finished them off. Like he did with the box of chocolate-covered cherries the other day.

This impulsivity or lack of self-control is a typical symptom of someone who is brain-injured or has dementia. It has resulted in some weight gain for Dean lately, as you might imagine. I even threatened to send him to a "fat farm" today, when he was complaining about my tight restraints on the food pantry. But probably we'll just end up readjusting his medicines at some point.

Do I complain about God's restraints sometimes too? I'm sure I do. It seems like He's hiding all the good things in my life in very secure locations, and leaving me without any of the luxuries that make life sweet. I must stop complaining and remember that God is doing it all for my best eternal interest. He's a caregiver I can really trust.

Starving on a Full Stomach

My husband's hunger these days knows no bounds. We had a picnic supper with friends out at a lake yesterday and after five slices of pizza, four helpings of potato salad, a considerable amount of cantaloupe, several brownies, and two sodas, the first thing he said when we got home was "Will you fix me a grilled cheese sandwich?"

This afternoon we went to a local hospital for their annual 50 Plus Ice Cream Social. After two man-size helpings of ice cream with mounds of toppings and sauces, plus three big cookies, the first thing he said when we got home was "What's for supper?"

It's a wonder that we're able to keep his weight steady. I'm sure it's the meds that are making him so ravenous, but you can just imagine the dent it makes in my grocery shopping budget. Should we change his dosage again? I really feel sorry for his constant state of dissatisfaction with the amount of food he eats. No matter how much he eats, he still feels a need for more. Is this what starvation feels like?

Many people are starving for God as well. They know they are blessed with much of this world's goods, but they feel in a constant state of dissatisfaction with what they have. No matter how much earthly success and power they have, how many college degrees or beauty titles they earn, how much money they accumulate and spend, or even how much alcohol and other escape substances they abuse their bodies with, they never feel like it is enough. Yes, without God in our life, there will be an empty place in our spirit that only God can fill. When you find yourself in this category, it's time to change the meds. The Master Physician knows just what to prescribe.

You don't have to starve.

Drug Dealing

I was in for a shock when I picked up one of Dean's medicines today from the pharmacy. I'm used to checking to see if they filled the right medicine and the right dosage, and am usually pleased with their attention to those details. But I never expected to have the wrong NAME on the bottle. In other words, to have someone else's medicine instead of Dean's!

They were extremely embarrassed when I called them about it when I got home. They checked the other person's bag and immediately saw their mistake. With all the many, many prescriptions I have had filled for Dean and I the last ten years, I suppose I can forgive them this one slip. Even if it was rather major. How can I do this, I asked myself today? I could have made a major stink and demanded some recourse from the pharmacist himself.

As a caregiver of a man with dementia though, I am in the business of forgiving multiple times daily. Nothing heroic about it. I've just had lots of practice. But I've seen other caregivers struggle with it. Even those who seemingly loved their spouse at one time find themselves unable to forgive and deal with the verbal abuse that spews out on a regular basis.

I know the difference has to be the Lord. Only He can forgive and provide us with the necessary love in our hearts to forgive, as He forgives. "Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors." The Lord expects us to forgive the way He does.

Whether it's for one big mistake over ten years or for dozens of little "boo-boos" throughout the day, only God can give us the ability to love enough to forgive the way He does. Thank you, Jesus.

Food Party

My daughter and her two girls came over this evening around the supper hour. "G-pop" and I had already eaten, as we usually eat early around 3:30-4:30. Dean's appetite is just voracious these days with one of the medicines he's taking. Every hour or so, he's asking for something to eat. I try to feed him low-calorie foods, but his weight is still on the upswing.

Our toddler granddaughters have a very good reason to be hungry throughout the day too. They are growing, so their momma is constantly thinking about their next meal too. (I gave them some of our leftovers from supper, just to get them a little satisfied til they got home.) Kayla and I traded knowing glances when the girls were asking for something to eat. Yes, food is definitely on both our agendas pretty much all day, it seems. Life is just one big food party around here.

Speaking of hunger, how much do I hunger for God? Is He on my agenda all day? If we truly love God, we should never be satisfied with our intake. We should always be wanting more of Him, shouldn't we?

How else can we grow?

The Most Effective Cold Remedy

Most people have the luxury of having a respiratory episode sneak up on them. They have at least a day or so to get used to the idea that their symptoms are indeed leading up to a cold. Not me, I know it from the first scratch or tickle in my throat. One hour I sound fine and feel reasonably human, but the next hour I transform into a nose-blowing, coughing, gasping-for-air miserable invalid.

My family saw that in me today. I morphed right before their eyes and now I am just trying to hang on to some shreds of humanity and praying this is not one of my worst colds. The kind that puts me in the hospital. But if I'm lucky it will only mean a few sleepless nights with remnants hanging on for a couple of weeks. I've already whipped out the nebulizer and taken an antihistamine and an expectorant. My lungs are just too wimpy to handle these onslaughts like a normal person. Oh, I've drunk gobs of water too. That and rest are the only two natural remedies that seem to touch what I experience with a cold.

Oh, I've forgotten to include my most effective ingredient for cold survival. Lots of prayer. It's only natural, but it works the best of them all. My prayers and those of my loved ones. I wouldn't have the courage to face this without them. Thank you, Jesus, for the prayer remedy.

Keep on the Meds!

This is a critical time in the life of my cold. I am starting to feel better, and it gets easy to skip medications for my lungs, or at least pace them out further apart, just due to getting busy with life again. But when I get lax with the medicine regimen, I am in danger of my lungs drowning in mucos/phlegm. Not good for me, because if a cough produces mucos that gets caught in my throat, my lungs are so wimpy, I start to choke. I can't cough it up.

We are drowning in a world of sin too, and if we get lax with the "medicines" God has provided for us to take on a regular basis, we will find ourselves without the power to get that sin out of our lives. The "medicine" regimen God has put us on consists of daily prayer, Bible study, and sharing our faith. Let's don't get apathetic or too busy with life to follow His program. We all have "wimpy lungs" when it comes to fighting sin.

So, when temptations start letting up, it is not the time to slow down on God's program. We must persevere on our God-given "meds" as long as we're in this world of sin.

Life Is a Headache

This morning I woke up with a terrible migraine headache. But it came at a very bad time, because my blood pressure was also running high. I struggled for over an hour which problem I should treat first. The migraine medicine raises my blood pressure even higher, which would require medicine to lower it too, and I really don't feel good when I take both medicines too close together. The headache won out, even though it made my blood pressure alot higher than I like it to get, before I could take the other medicine.

Life in general can get complicated like this. Seldom does one have just one problem to deal with at a time. Trouble seems to come in duplicate or even triplicate, and we don't always know how to sort it all out. I'm glad for a Heavenly Sorter and Solver. He can always be depended on to help us make wise choices. And the best part about His services is that He is on call day or night--you don't even need an appointment. It's worth the call!