Don't Wait

When I took Dean to the dentist the other day, I just had to ask the receptionist how much teeth cleaning and an exam would cost. I've been having mouth and jaw pain myself now for months and been worrying about whether it might be a dental problem, the start of gum disease or something.

At first I thought the pain might be teeth grinding or jaw clenching--a response to stress. Especially since it seems to come and go. I even changed from a full facial mask at night back to my nasal one for my bi-pap. But even that didn't help for long. Just trying to find my own solution. Something that won't cost me much, since my insurance doesn't cover dental, and only partial medical.

Well, the dental exam she finally gave me just revealed that I do have a lot of plaque, but only one small cavity to fill. Not bad for not seeing a dentist for seven years, I thought! She thought getting my teeth cleaned would relieve my facial pain, so I'll get them cleaned and the cavity filled this coming week. I have my doubts that it will solve anything, but will see. Thinking now it might be a sinus problem. There is a tenderness higher up on my cheeks now when it does hurt.

What does all this have to do with caregiving for Dean? Nothing, really. Except it does reveal my tendency to work things out on my own. To shy away from things that cost something (understandable though, when finances are so tight--not uncommon for caregivers, by the way).

But all this is informing my faith life as well. I need to turn things over to the professionals more. And my professional Spiritual Advisor would be God. Counting the cost has to go too. Sin, no matter how painful or intermittent it may be, has to be resolved. Jesus already paid the price. Life is too short to be figuring things out on my own.

It's a Miracle!

It's been awhile since I posted on this blog for caregivers. I've made a grand start a couple of times, but just never could grab onto the right train of thought. I guess my thoughts had actually all left their stations and were going in all directions and it was hard to track a traveler down for his particular destination.

But now that I've lost my voice with a cold virus and life is moving at a slower pace, I have an urge to get some of my thoughts out to somebody. They may not be worth anything, but they will serve to relieve my guilt of silence.

First of all, I thought the world would end if I became sick with a cold again, and certainly it would be in God's interest to keep me healthy and strong. This was my prayer at least as one after another of my loved ones got sick. It's true that it's been hard to find substitute babysitters for my granddaughters, and Dean has had to do more for himself since I got sick. But hey, life moves on. With or without my services.

I was a bit upset with God, but only for a few seconds. I had prayed for a miracle to happen and for me not to succumb to the pestilence that surrounded me, but it was not to be. Instead God has performed another kind of miracle though in helping me survive this new onslaught of sickness.

God knows what He's doing. I am content to be His instrument, as long as He gives me breath. Even if that breath is aided by a nebulizer, a bi-pap machine and oxygen concentrator every night. So there, cold virus, do your stuff.

Pancake Pride

We just got through with a sleepover for our two young granddaughters last night. They look forward to pancakes in the morning, usually prepared for them by "Gwampa".

The oldest granddaughter requested that I make the pancakes this time though. She said her last one by Grandpa had "black spots" on it--referring to one of his burnt ones, of course. He understood and allowed me to make them this time.

I ended up cooking a black-sided one too, but made sure it ended up on Grandpa's plate. Then I accidentally invented a "cat pancake" when the batter spread into the shape of cat ears when I turned it over. Naturally, I had to try to duplicate my accidental invention with the next one!

Isn't this how it is in life too? All of us can make mistakes--Grandpas AND Grandmas. And sometimes our best results are arrived at totally by accident. Remembering this can certainly check any pride in our own achievements. It helps me give God the praise and glory for everything that happens in my life.

Our Last Minute Church

My days have been so full, juggling caregiving for Dean and babysitting my granddaughters, that I was determined to make this weekend the most relaxing I could for myself. I really needed to soak up some stress-free hours to relieve my never-ending fatigue. (My oxygen issues contribute greatly to this. I'm not just getting old, I'm flying through it double-time, fighting for every breath!)

At the last minute yesterday, trying to think of every contingent in Dean's care, I discovered that there was one Adventist church in town that we hadn't attended in quite awhile. I knew it would be a small congregation, so when I found out the service started at 11:30, I knew I might have a winner, just in case Dean insisted on going somewhere for church.

I didn't dare mention the possibility of going to church or the magic spell of peace would be broken. But when he finally did ask about going to church, as he usually does, I had the answer. "Let's go to the one that starts at 11:30." That was only an hour away, but plenty of time for us to get ready . I had enjoyed most of the morning in relative peace and quiet, so felt strong enough to tackle this new experience.

The Capitol View S.D.A. Church was perfect for Dean. Besides having a traditional agenda, there was plenty of friendliness to go around. Just enough people for Dean to socialize, without getting swallowed up in the crowd. They didn't seem at all uncomfortable in his presence. The space was confined to a small sanctuary, so I didn't have to worry about him wandering off and Dean could hear all the speakers well.

The sermon ended right on time, and there was a dinner at someone's house, which we felt more than welcome to attend. One of the songs they sang during song service was "Jesus Loves Me", one of Dean's favorites. And surprise, surprise, I found out there were no children's classes, so there were few children for me to worry about being frightened by Dean.

As we were descending a wide staircase outside the sanctuary following the service, two young boys were curling up in a ball and repeatedly rolling down the carpeted stairs, as if it was a grassy hill outside, and no one seemed to mind. The adults were even encouraging them with comments like, "I wish I was young enough to do that!"

Yes, a church that fits someone with dementia. What a blessing this Sabbath has been! Small churches, large churches, and those in-between. There's a reason for them all. They can all be lighthouses to reach people of all kinds. Even wild, scary-looking ones, like my loving husband.

A "Safe Place"

Yesterday I spent a goodly sum on some Tylenol for Dean's pain he's been having lately. I was going to be gone for awhile in the afternoon, and was going to set the bottle of pills in a prominent place that he would see when he came home from his adult day program. (A medical-van brings him home the three days a week that he goes.)

But then I thought it wouldn't be wise to just leave him with a whole bottle of pills. I knew I'd come home and ask him if he took two of them and what time was it when he took them, and he wouldn't have a clue.

So I took out two pills, his recommended dosage, wrote a note next to them so that he would know what they were for, even telling him to write down the time that he took them on my note. Such a wonderful caregiver I was, I thought. The bottle of pills, as many things I must seclude in safe keeping around here, even got put in a "safe place".

Well, that place was so safe, I spent all evening trying to remember where I put them. The next morning, when I was hoping my head would be in a better place, I retraced my steps and suddenly remembered which casserole dish I had tucked them in, so they'd be totally out of his sight.

Guess Dean's not the only one with memory loss around here. I succumb to it every now and then too. It reminds me what it must feel like for him.

Isn't it that way with sin? We think there are lots of worse sinners out there than we are. But the truth of the matter is, none of us are beyond its reach. It catches us at the most embarrassing times, and it always has the ability to grow and take over our lives, just as it has with so many others. Thank you, Dean, for this painful, but necessary reminder of my humanity today.

Birthday "Girl"

Wondering if I should talk about my birthday tomorrow on a blog such as this. Yesterday I received some very nice cards from people at my church. And I'm sure I'll get a phone call or two as the day gets closer. My daughter has been given the hint of what I'd like as a present...a certain color of lip gloss. And I have a feeling she'll bake me something too--another hint to her when she reads this.

Yes, everything in my life right now, challenging as it is, is also very rewarding. I couldn't ask for anything more. Taking care of my husband and even part time care of my granddaughters gives me purpose and much joy.

Dean is attending his day program and I think they are doing an Easter craft today. So no doubt, his project will end up as my birthday gift. I'm looking forward to seeing his creation when he gets home this afternoon.

I have crocuses and daffodils blooming in the front yard at last. So that is my present from God. Yes, what more could a birthday "girl" ask for?

That's me--first girl on the left.

Growing Up

What a wild week it's been for caregiving Dean and babysitting grandchildren. A new baby cousin has caused my babysitting to kick in double time for awhile, so I've watched them every day this week, instead of just two.

That in itself keeps me reeling, but add that to the fact that the two darlings have had the flu all week, and you can readily see why my life activities have stepped up a notch. One adjustment is for me to take a morning nap, instead of afternoon, since their mom's working second shift now. But that hasn't been too hard. Hey, I'd take one in the morning AND the afternoon if I could. I call it my oxygen-energy snooze (it really is a recharge--I love my bi-pap!)

There is one bright spot for me though. My youngest granddaughter, the three-year-old, has mastered fastening her own seatbelt now in the car. I won't have to breathlessly lean over her every time, trying to click up for safety.

One time this week though, Dean was in the car with us going somewhere. I was just rejoicing to hear two clicks coming from the backseat area, when Dean pipes up, "Can you help me with this?" You guessed it. He was holding up his seatbelt latch. I wanted to cry, laugh, and strangle him with it at the same time. But I tried to remain calm and forget that my beloved husband will never grow up.

Can we Christians sometimes be accused of never growing up? God forbid I would ever disappoint God that way. We are babes to Him til the day we die, but at least we can be changing and growing the whole time here. Lord, help me to please you with my childlike desire to "grow up". And you are just the One to help me do it.

P.S. He really did need help with his seatbelt, by the way. Let's just hope it won't be habitual.